Plastic or plastic?

From "getting by" to intentional living

2012-01-10T19:37:00.001-06:00

The close of 2010 left me labeling my year as the year that "got by." Shortly after reading my blog, my friend extended an invitation for me to come and visit her over a long weekend. I wondered if this trip was in conjunction with a birthday wish for her and what exactly she had in mind. The conversation that followed revealed that she had seen me and loved me and wanted to provide rest for my heart. Rest, love, enjoyment, challenge, beauty, connection, and care was experienced that weekend and I left feeling ready to live the year ahead of me.

As I look back on 2011 I would have to say that it was a year filled with intentional living that was evidenced by dramatic, risky, life-altering change.

It's almost comical what just happened to me. As I re-read the last sentence, I felt like the words I picked were too big. Really?! Dramatic, risky, and life-altering are huge words and surely the year I just lived doesn't really fit into those categories. Those words are reserved for people who dream big and travel to foreign places. For people who make decisions with their hearts that leave them doing things that make them look absolutely crazy to anyone on the outside looking in.

And then again...I guess the "people" described here are us. Dreaming big. Traveling and settling in "foreign" places. Making decisions with our hearts. Looking absolutely crazy.

To tell you that this adventure that we are living is easy and everything I imagined, would be a LIE. And still, I am reminded that God has invited me into this chaotic, challenging, emotional, lonely, exhausting, disappointing place because He is kind. Although I am having a hard time seeing the trees from the fog, He is creating a beautiful scene. One that I look forward to dancing into, swirling and twirling in the freedom He has given me.

Parallel Pondering

2011-12-15T13:48:00.000-06:00

The Hallmark Store has a sweet nativity-advent-calendar ornament that my mom gave us this season to help Wyatt prepare for Christmas. Every day, he moves the candy cane marker on our snow man advent calendar to the correct day. Then he runs out to the porch to find the package with the number that matches.

(Here is the porch tree with all of his advent gifts! I love his little reflection in the window.)

So, after he finds the correct present, he runs to the couch and tells me to read it. My mom took the time to write out each of the messages and tape them to the package. After I read it he asks me to turn the ornament so we can hear it...he always seems surprised when it says the same thing that I just read....too precious! After hearing the message, he opens his gift! He is pretty much convinced right now that any gift received around here is from Lolly.

As I was listening to one of the messages last week, I was struck with part of the story and have been pondering the phrase all week. It said, "The way was rough and dusty too, and Mary's baby was soon due, but even though her time was near, she trusted God and did not fear."

Really?!! Now I know that for the sake of rhyming and being clever, one is willing to write things that may not necessarily fit but I wanted to know if what I was feeling in my gut was really what scripture describes here. Fortunately, I was given a gift in my mid-twenties when I met people who introduced me to the true meanings of the words in scripture. The meanings beyond what our limited English language can describe. So, I pulled up Blue Letter Bible and looked up Luke.

Here is what I found:

Troubled (1:29) This is when the angel appeared to Mary

1) to agitate greatly, trouble greatly

Pondered (2:19) This is after Christ Jesus is born

1) to throw together, to bring together

a) to converse

b) to bring together in one's mind, confer with one's self

c) to come together, meet

1) to encounter in a hostile sense

2) to fight with one

3) to bring together of one's property, to contribute, aid, help

Mary did trust God, in some unbelievable ways. Ways that at times seem so far fetched to me. It makes sense that she would be troubled greatly and agitated at the sight of an angel, much less one telling her that she was pregnant and carrying the Son of God when she had never been with a man.

As for pondering, the words in the definition demonstrate angst...to throw together, to bring together in one's mind, to encounter in a hostile sense. Oh my gosh...how I do that! What a relief to know that Mary wrestled too AND she still trusted God.

I am thankful once again that I am in a place where I am physically pregnant during this Christmas season. I remember being especially mindful of Christ's birth in new ways during my pregnancy with Wyatt and I am aware of even more this time around as I await the arrival of Sawyer, under much different circumstances.

So, please excuse me...I have a little more pondering to do!

A New Kind of Different. A Different Kind of New.

2011-12-05T15:55:00.001-06:00

I wish I could tell you that the peace that washed over me in that moment has remained with me each and every day the past 2 months. There have been days where I feel like peace is the farthest feeling away and there are days where it is surrounding me, enveloping me. I have come to realize that peace is not based on my circumstances...

When I arrived in Kalamazoo, the first 3 weeks were spent settling in, breathing, and adjusting to the newness of life. Our friends had generously housed D for the month prior to mine and Wyatt's arrival and they were continuing to house our family once we arrived. Within 3 weeks, we had located a rental home and had the day set up for delivery of all the contents of our house. Moving day was cold and rainy. D was working and T took the day off to watch Wyatt and I was stationed at the house, checking items off the list and directing the men with each box and piece of furniture. 8 hours later, they were finished and I sat on the couch, soaking everything in, watching out the window and hoping they would be able to back the moving truck out of the extremely muddy driveway.

I often find myself sitting more, soaking everything in, watching, hoping...

As my title suggests, this is all so different and new for me. There is so much for me to ponder and feel as the days, weeks, and months have unfolded. Fortunately, I am very present and able to feel all that I feel even when I don't have to words to express those feelings.

God has provided for us AND we are very nervous about how he will continue to provide. God has given my heart and my body quiet and rest AND I have been lonely and restless. God has...and I am still...

As I sit here today, I am very aware that there are roughly 14 weeks until sweet baby Sawyer will arrive. I do not have a job. At this point, I am beginning to wonder if a job in physical therapy will even be what God has planned for this season of my life. There is a peace though today, in this moment, believing that He will provide.

I believe I am in for discovering His Peace in a new, different way than I ever have before.

Sporadic, at best

2011-12-04T15:35:00.000-06:00

My writing this year has been sporadic, at best. It has been a full year with much to write about and yet I chose to stay in my head quite a bit. Sometimes it can feel so overwhelming for me to share all that is in my heart on my blog. I do realize that I do not need to share ALL that is in my heart but that is when the battle occurs in my mind as to what I really do want to share.

I have felt the desire to write this past week and I began to "ramp up" so to speak. I was laughing with D and T the other night about what "ramping" up looks like for me. Have you noticed? I start to comment more on posts that I read. Then, I actually log onto my blog and make the necessary changes...you know, knock off links on the roll that are completely inactive, change how old I am and any other details in the "about me" section that are incorrect. Then, I pick a new template. This time, I found the tab that said "celebration" and found this amazing star which I thought was just perfect for this Christmas season! Finally, I actually write out my post. It is somewhat humorous and there is some curiosity there for me as well as I reflect on the lack of my written words in 2011.

All that being said, I desire to write more especially this month.

Today has officially been 2 months since Wyatt and I rushed out the door at my parents house and got on the plane with 6 bags/strollers/car seat items to join D in Michigan. I remember that day like it was yesterday and still so much has happened in that time that the day feels so far away. The day started early for me. I had not yet finished packing and I quickly realized that everything I had was not going to fit in the remaining spaces of the bags that I had planned as carry-ons or checked bags. My dad was pushing Wyatt on the swing in the backyard and my mom was trying to come up with creative ways to help me get the remainder of our items on the plane. I snapped at her in the middle of the tension and quickly realized that it was not how I wanted to engage with her at all. She was gracious and understanding.

Eventually, all of our things were packed and we started to load up the car to head to the airport. As they were all outside, I walked around my parents house to check for any items that might have been left behind but honestly, I was walking through each room to soak in my memories and cry the tears that were reserved for this time. In that moment my heart was so full of mixed emotions that it could have exploded. I was preparing to leave San Antonio and all that it holds goodbye AND I was preparing to join my husband in Michigan where our family would be together again.

The drive to the airport went fast and before I knew it, all our bags were on the curb and my dad was parking the car as my mom and I struggled to get everything to the ticket counter. Eventually we were all checked in and I stood there, holding my son in my arms, I looked at the tears welling up in my mom's eyes. It was time. Time to say goodbye. Our tears flowed freely as we hugged and exchanged those last precious words. Wyatt looked on and asked my dad why he didn't have any... observant little guy. My dad responded that his would come later. As my parents turned to leave, Wyatt called out for them. They smiled and waved and we walked on.

The hours in the air were as good as could be expected. Wyatt was a great helper and trooper...a surprising blessing. My heart held both sadness and anticipation as we journeyed on. When we finally arrived in Grand Rapids, I could feel my heart racing and felt like we couldn't move fast enough to get to D. Then around the corner, I saw him. His smile was BIG! He had recently had his hair cut and was nicely dressed and looking quite handsome. As I saw him, a rush of peace washed over me. For that moment, nothing else mattered. We were together, as a family.

I'm With YOU

2011-09-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

Driving to work today I heard this song. I needed windshield wipers for my eyes. As I listened to the words representing the story of Ruth and Naomi I thought of my husband. Our journey especially in the last few months is woven throughout this song. So, listen with me and know that I will return with more words in the near future. I'm with you, D!

Creating spaces of Beauty

2011-06-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

I have recently been looking at how beauty and rest are closely tied together. After attending some training for a ministry that I am involved in, I came home with the question from my friend, "What would it look like to create beauty in your life?" As I thought for a moment about those words, I felt a stirring within my heart for what my answer might be. Beauty would look like me kindly inviting my husband to join me in creating a space of beauty and rest in our yard where we could sit and relax and Wyatt could play. I shared my thoughts with D when we got home and we started to create a plan for what that might look like for us.

The funny thing about thinking is that when I really focus on something, I begin to see and feel even more places where beauty is floating all around me...places where I have been intentional in creating beauty and embracing beauty. Some of those places are for my heart to hold and some are worth sharing!

For the past few years, I have lived in what feels like limbo in our home. Trying to make it feel like home and yet realizing that this is not the ideal home for us and it will not be a permanent home for us. Living with that mindset has made it difficult for me to care at all sometimes. I have realized though that it is harmful to me to live in the in between place where I am apathetic. The truth is that we will not always live in this house. It is not our dream home or location for that matter. Change of location, jobs, etc. has not moved us however so what do I want to do with the ever present reality that this is where God has us living right now? I want to enjoy this space that God has given us for now and create more beauty...here are just a few of the pictures of what it is looking like for us to enjoy the new beauty of our home!

We decided that it was time to move the large engagement picture upstairs and I am quite happy with all that replaced it on the mantel! I bought a new picture frame (that still needs non-store people), moved over my "But God" sign from the kitchen (enjoying the places of But God...in our/my story), finally used the white mirror that I was saving for a baby girl's room (not that it won't be used one day but I am enjoying using it now!), the Hello Courage sign (given to me on a very special day by 2 special friends), my bouquet, and a few other odds and ends!

Up close pics of what we put in our front yard...these beauties have to fight hard to endure the heat!

Lord, I Need You

2011-04-14T00:58:00.000-05:00

I was driving home from work this evening and as I was sitting in traffic, I put in the new Passion CD my mom gave me this weekend. I forwarded to track 6 and sat in the traffic crying and singing loudly to Chris Tomlin's new song, " Lord, I Need You."

Today was one of those days when every word in the song felt like it touched the core of what I needed and wanted to hear. I came home and as D and I talked about an issue that was dumped on us again today, I pulled up itunes for him to listen to the song that had me so emotional in the car...and again at home with him. I am finding myself very aware of my need for Him. I love when he sings, "where you are, Lord I am free, holiness is Christ in me!"

My friend Lib posted about "her song" and asked what "our" song is right now and so, I decided to post about this song. I hope you enjoy listening to this lately as much as I have!

Remember Me

2011-03-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

This past Thursday marked the 5 year anniversary of our wedding day which was the 1st day of the rest of our lives together as "The Cabells"! During dinner, I asked D a question..."What are your memories from that day? Your real, tangible memories, not just the ones that you have from the pictures?" We spent the entire meal bouncing back and forth as we walked through the memories that we could see still in our heads. It is amazing to see all the holes that existed and the places where some of the memories I carry are not the same ones that stand out to him. It was so much fun though to share with each other what stands out from that day and the days following during our honeymoon. It's odd to think that we have never really done that before this year. I am glad that we did though and look forward to writing them all down since I know that they will only become more foggy as the years go by!

Remember Me. An invitation to feel and experience the moment so that when time and life has passed by, what you hold in your heart and your head is tangible. clearly visible, and permanent.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's strong, tender, and courageous heart as we shared deeply with each other during a couple's week in Michigan and then throughout the year.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's dreams starting to take more form as he risked stepping out in faith...hoping for more.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's kindness towards me as he pursued my wavering heart and emotions.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's tears for me, our family, himself, and for Wyatt.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's words written on blog entries and a book, words that show the depths of his precious heart.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's faithful friendship.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's encouragement and challenging questions during countless conversations.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's love, his God-given, perfect for me, love.

Remember Me. This year I remember the look on my husband's face when he sees me walk downstairs after getting ready to go somewhere.

Remember Me. This year I remember D's laughter, filling the walls of our home.

5th Anniversary...a night out for sushi and memories!

4th Anniversary...a weekend away at a Bed and Breakfast in Wimberley.

3rd Anniversary...a night out for dinner at The Melting Pot

2nd Anniversary...a weekend away in Gruene with dinner at the Gristmill.

1st Anniversary...a weekend away in Wimberley

I love you Darin! Thank you for loving me for me!

My Father

2011-02-20T00:09:00.002-06:00

I was recently given the opportunity to visit my dear friend T in Michigan. What a sweet, sweet, time. As I sat in the moments I was experiencing those 4 days, I was aware that I was feeling, rested, challenged, loved, enjoyed, renewed, reminded, seen, connected, and cared for...a little different than the "getting" by I described at the end of last year. I walked away from my visit with joy in my soul and so very thankful for the time.

As I returned home, I found it hard to put into words for D what all my heart was holding. Monday night, we found ourselves in the midst of chaos and disruption when he received a text message from T asking him to fly to Phoenix this weekend and help with a retreat for Open Hearts Ministry. When he turned to me and asked if I thought it would be possible for him to go, I immediately replied "YES!" and then I realized that I had made commitments for this weekend that would mean I would need to get help in caring for Wyatt. And so it began...the mental processes that my mind subconsciously began to perform felt overwhelming and challenging. It turns out, that rearranging my schedule and finding help didn't even fall into place until the evening before D left. Sigh.

BUT GOD...was inviting me to experience life this weekend. I have had time to sit and ponder and marinate much of what was stirred up for me during my trip and at home since participating in 2 Red Tent Dinners this week. I have had a sweet time the last 2 days with Wyatt, full of laughter and snuggles and lots and lots of playtime! I have had conversations with precious friends. I have been able to finish some projects that have taken up too much space in my mind with the constant reminder that I have failed at getting things done. I have cleaned out a closet and multiple rooms in the house and it actually felt restful. I have listened to music, sipped on tea, and I have been kind to myself.

Last night as I was praying I realized that the beginning of my prayer felt different to me, and I smiled. I have always begun my prayer with "Dear Heavenly Father"....Tonight, I said, "My Father." I have struggled to believe that He is near me, in me, surrounding me. I often feel like He is above me and distant and it seems as if that was reflected in the way that I said My Heavenly Father. So here I am...on a journey to experience My Father who always has and always will be near me, in me, surrounding me.

Wyatt Turns 2

2011-02-09T09:37:00.025-06:00

If I could choose one word to describe Wyatt at 2 that I hope will be present when he is a young man, it would be PASSIONATE! He has a passion for life, adventure, his blankie, his paci, his toys, his TV shows, his desires, his hopes, his chocki (chocolate), and just about everything! His does everything full force and although at times it is hard to know how to interact with his passion, I am loving the opportunities that God is giving me to learn how to love my son and care for him well!

As I have been reflecting on the days, weeks, months, and now years since he was born, I am amazed at the fact that he is 2. I remember last year, when he turned 1 and I was replaying the days leading up to his birth and the day of his birth in my head. This year, those memories were still present, but they seemed a little further away. The past year has definitely been an adventure year here for this precious little guy!

Wyatt brings so much joy to my heart and I love watching him learn and grow. The other day when I walked in the door from work, he ran up to me and said, "I so glad you home, mommy!" He is full of sayings that we are convinced are not something we say that he is repeating ;)

I wanted to share some pictures from his birthday and hope you enjoy seeing the many different facets of Wyatt!

He began the morning opening up a gift from daddy's highschool friend who has loved Wyatt before he was even born!

Here we are, paci and all, in the parking lot at Krispy Kreme.

Trying our hat on..not so sure about this one!

I love his face in this one...I was singing "Happy Birthday" to him!

Man, I think that chocolate and sugar is getting to him ;)

We went by Lolly and Pop's house and daddy helped me climb a tree for the 1st time.

Oh Woah!

Laughing with Lolly and Pop

Before the party even started, Wyatt found the puffy cheetos!

We had a John Deere tractor theme and the balloons looked great!

Tia Letty came out to celebrate...we missed Tio Chris who was home with the CRUD!

Yummy! He looks so precious sitting at the big table.

My dad used to decorate cookie cakes for my brother and I all the time when we were growing up so this was a fun treat to have a tractor cake made by Pop!

A little mesmerized by the swing!

Gift time!

Having fun with Unk Bri and Aunt Cessa...loving the pictures our new camera takes!

Here Wyatt is playing with his cousin Brock...not really cousin, but we always laugh at how they look like they could be related. Brock is a special friend even if Wyatt acted like he cared less if he was there!

End of the evening picture with mommy and daddy! We love you so much Wyatt and are very grateful to be your parents!

Living Life

2011-01-11T21:22:00.002-06:00

The past few days I have set my alarm to wake up before Wyatt so that I can shower and have some quiet time in the morning. Every day he has woken up 15 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. Today, that included him waking up 2 hours before his usual wake-time. As I heard the cries for "daddy" through the monitor, I looked up and said,"seriously God?"

I had to drive to Medina today to cover the school district and as I hopped in my car, I decided that I wanted to play 2 CDs during my drive and have my own worship session with no other distractions...besides my extremely active mind. As I was listening and soaking in the messages, questions, and words that have been spoken to me in the past few days between church and friends, 4 words spoke loudly to my heart.

LIVE here. Live GLORIOUSLY.

What would it look like to live in this moment instead of looking to live in what lies ahead?

What would happen if I believed in myself as much as those I love believe in me?

What could happen if I quit trying to set myself up to fail?

What would it look like if I quit believing that something or someone will rob me or try to destroy me when I am experiencing true joy and freedom?

What would happen if I believed that with Christ IN me I can live GLORIOUSLY?

What can happen when I believe those were His words for me...I am feeling a bit curious about what He is stirring.

"Christmas Decorations"

2011-01-05T08:39:00.002-06:00

According to the blogosphere and facebook, I am running far behind most everyone in cleaning up my Christmas decorations. I am still enjoying mine and yet there is a nagging feeling inside that I am ready to put them away and get our house "back to normal!"

It appears though that I have to wait for a naptime and I won't have access to one of those till this weekend. During the week, Wyatt spends naptime at Mother's Day Out while I am working and the other afternoons I run out and see a few patients during his naptime at home...while he is with D. If I stop and think about it, I spend a lot of my time waiting for naptime to "get things done." Wyatt is just at that stage where he is starting to play more on his own and I am surprised to find moments like this one where I can write down a few thoughts.

It feels like there is a fine line between caring for your child and caring for yourself. I must admit that I don't feel like I balance that one very well. I tend to fall on the side of not caring for myself very well. I procrastinate which later makes me crazy when I have not mailed packages, cleaned house, corresponded well with others, etc. In looking back, I appear to be an active participant in my inactivity...and I would like for that to change!

So, here I am asking God to work in me so that I am able to love and enjoy my husband and child well, engage and enjoy my friends, AND take care of myself!

The Year That "Got by"

2011-01-01T20:14:00.002-06:00

As I look back at 2010 I think I have to say that it feels like the year that "got by". It is with some heaviness that I admit that especially as I look at the posts on my blog. I didn't write much this year, and my blog is not the only place that shows the lack of my written words. It feels like the year "got by" as it moved quickly and I am left feeling that I never caught up. It feels like the year that "got by" as I feel that there were many moments that I felt like I was just "getting by". There are many more places that I feel this phrase could be applied and with that, I feel like there was a lot that I missed out on.

Last night, our family of 3 shared a quiet evening at home for New Years Eve. After Wyatt was asleep, Darin and I spent time reflecting on the past year and dreaming about 2011. I went to bed feeling hopeful and more aware of the places that I have been hanging in that feel tattered and torn and desperately need to be touched by God. This morning I awoke and it seemed as if Satan was at me immediately.

I am acutely aware today that Satan is real and present and I am completely in need of God. I cannot face this upcoming year on my own...and my hope is that I will not try! I hope that you will see and experience me this year in ways where you will know that I am walking hand in hand with my Father.

2010-12-08T19:49:00.002-06:00

STORY.

In his book "To Be Told", Dan Allender writes, "You are a story. You are not merely the possessor and teller of a number of stories; you are a well written, intentional story that is authored by the greatest author of all time, and even before time and after time." He goes on to say, "It is imperative to search for one's story. It is not I who must be found. Instead it is God who is to be found. He waits-quietly, passionately, and winsomely-within my story."

I am a story. I remember that concept feeling so vague and out of reach for me. For me, life had been something that was lived in the presence of so many others. Everyone around me seemed to be living life with me and appeared to have a handle on who I was. I don't remember many people being curious about me. I was a "known commodity" to most everyone. Even when I moved away to go to grad school, people quickly figured out who I was and what I was about. I don't remember many people being curious about who I was, what had made me, what had shaped me, why I made the decisions I did, why I believed what I believed.

She was curious though. She wanted to know who this young woman was who was weeping at the foot of the cross in front of the church. She wanted to know what could make this "churched/christian-school girl" hide. She wanted to know what had shaped me, what had impacted me, what had scarred me, what had made me beautiful, what had inspired me, what had dashed my hope. She wanted to know me. Why am I telling you all these mixed questions? Up until this point in my life, I had not felt safe enough with someone to experience the kind of relationship where I am truly known. I felt safe with her when I realized that she really wanted to know me and love me for who I was deep down inside...not just who I was on the surface, the part that was acceptable and pleasing.

So we met time and time again. She asked questions and I would talk. She would listen and respond to what she heard. She would see me and she would speak to what she saw and as the tears spilled down my face I started to see that I had a story...I am a story.

I don't think I could even begin to name the restaurants and spaces where my tears were spilled as I began to look at the pain and tragedy that laced itself throughout my story. Just as I can't name all the restaurants, couches, and rooms where my bellowing laughs, snorts, and honks resonate the walls as I rejoiced in the triumph of where I found God in my story.

In "One Tree Hill", Karen's cafe becomes the place where stories are told, life is lived, memories are made, laughter is shared, tears are shed...and the sign above the door is pictured below.

Before meeting the Johnson's, I didn't know that there was somewhere here on earth where I could experience a place where I would feel so safe...

Committed to Feel

2010-11-08T23:20:00.003-06:00

Wow. I cannot believe how long it has been since I sat down to write here. I am very aware as I type how easy it is to stay disconnected. I never imagined when I chose to write that it would take so much of me to reenter my emotions and my feelings to be able to authentically and honestly share what I desire to convey. I am finding out that I have to allow space and time to feel and then to connect with what I feel takes more time and it is all too easy to fill my time with the rest of life.

So, what am I saying? I am committed to telling you more of THE story. More of MY story. More of OUR story. For tonight...that is what I am able to do, be committed. I will be back soon, don't give up on me yet!

Deciding to Speak

2010-09-29T22:50:00.005-05:00

I remember the 1st time I met him. He appeared too friendly, too kind, too nice, too funny. At that point however, I don't think anyone would have stood a chance. He introduced himself and said that he knew who I was...STRIKE ONE! (No one had any clue who I had become and I definitely didn't want anyone thinking they knew anything about me). He invited me to check out the college group on a Sunday night...STRIKE TWO! (I only had a limited amount of time that I was going to be in town this time around, why would I even try to get invested). If I couldn't make Sunday night, there was a class on Sunday mornings...STRIKE THREE (Do you know the double life I am living right now? Sunday school will definitely expose me...no thanks!)

I can't remember the 1st time I met her. It must have been at church. From a distance, I could see that she was warm and kind to those that knew her well. She was always inviting but gentle. I never felt pushed...only drawn in, in a welcoming sort of way. Eventually I was included in the invitation to come and hang out at their house. My roommate usually did all the talking and I was quite content to sit on the fireplace and listen. I smiled and occasionally talked but all very carefully.

Although my encounters with them were often marked with deception and hiding of myself, they began to be more real and open. The transparency in which they both lived their lives and the messages that they shared in Sunday school began

to hit at the core of me and I started feeling convicted.

It was Valentine's weekend in 2003. My weekend had included multiple encounters with someone from my past that began to stir up all the crap that I had worked so hard for months to push down. In the midst of the pain and shame that was swirling around in my head, I had been able to determine BY MYSELF that ALL the feeli

ngs I was experiencing that weekend were just because I was actually interested in someone in the college group and this other guy coming into town shed a light on my true feelings. My emotional reaction seemed a bit large though.

I was singing on the Praise Team that weekend and as we sang the songs, the tears streamed down my face. I couldn't hold them back...they just kept coming. She saw me. For the 1st time, I knew I wanted her to ask me what was going on for me. She did. She invited me to grab coffee with her after The Call. As we sat in the 2 fluffy, p

urple chairs at Starbuck's in the quarry, I decided to speak. At first, it felt like what I wanted to talk about was this guy that I liked...risky and yet safe. As her questions came though, the beginning pieces of my story spilled out of my mouth.

How Do I Do This

2010-09-25T08:48:00.008-05:00

Some friendships just make sense to others. For instance, childhoood friends, high school buddies, college roommates. Others don't. Have you ever realized that it is the friendships that "don't" make sense that are the hardest to put into words...therefore often times leaving them to be scrutinized and misunderstood?

How do I do this? The title of my post and the question of my heart for the last few weeks. How do I put into words what this family means to me? How do I want to share my memories and my heart on my blog? Others have done a beautiful job expressing their feelings, memories, and heart...why does this feel so hard for me? The only thing that keeps coming back to me is...I'm different dammit!

Different feels like the appropriate word to describe the manner in which our friendship began. I returned home, a lonely, broken, taped up mess. My time in the desert had left me stripped of who I believed I was. I had ventured out there in need of wide-open spaces and the depth and width of pain that I experienced was much more than my body, mind, and heart could handle. In fact, my wounds ran so deep that I was sure no one I knew would know what to do with me. So, the only logical choice was to hide myself and the pain inside...life needed to be lived and I needed to just be who I had always been. So that's what I did.

I was sure NO ONE I knew would want to listen to what was really going on with me.

She holds a place

2010-08-20T14:25:00.002-05:00

Wyatt is sleeping. Darin is working. She is running around town...embracing final conversations and hugs with those she holds dear. Who is she? She is my Katy J. I have my Pandora station set on Bethany Joy Galeoti with Kate Voegele currently playing. In the mailbox sits the 2nd disc of the 1st season of One Tree Hill. The door to her room is mostly closed but as I take trips up stairs to clean house, I can see that pieces of her still fill the bookshelves and dressers. Until tomorrow.

In the last 3 weeks, it has been my JOY to experience her presence, to laugh, cry, share wine, engage in stories, roll eyes at ridiculous "reality TV shows", talk about movies, cook, eat, share beer...to experience K in person! I am thankful that she asked to stay with us during this time of transition for her and her family and I am acutely aware that she holds a place in these 3 Cabell's hearts...more than I think we can express.

I will hold these memories close to my heart and cherish them for a lifetime. You will be MISSED. We love you, K!

I did not forget...

2010-07-26T11:47:00.002-05:00

I did not forget to write about my husband's 40th birthday on my blog. Instead, I decided to wait for a time when I could sit and really think about what I wanted to tell you about my husband's 40th birthday.

40 is a big birthday to celebrate. 40 seems to be somewhat hard to grasp. After all, it's "just a number", you are "only as old as you feel", etc. I have learned that, that isn't the case at all for D. With 40 quickly approaching, I found myself sitting in deep and thought-provoking conversations with him. My husband is a dreamer. He is full of unique gifting and passion. Sometimes, it seems as though God has him sitting still, seeking, asking, waiting. In the midst of the questions, it can be difficult to see that who you are matters. That being said, my hope was to celebrate D in a way that he could see that he is enjoyed, loved, adored, and delighted in by many, just because of who he is!

Who D is...

Darin is a writer,

Darin is a musician,

Darin is a pastor,

Darin is a friend,

Darin is a brother and a son

Darin is a husband and a father

Darin is authentic, a blessing, exciting, deep, tender hearted, loving, patient, "in my corner", caring, awesome, a great listener, a maverick, fun, brutal-brutally honest with his heart, kind, open, meek, strong, transparent, a leader, honest, a role model, courageous, committed, passionate, unique, wise, full of joy, steady, safe, full of honor and integrity. And the list could go on and on. These were just a few of the words that D's friends and family shared with him.

D, I love you and I look forward to what lies ahead...Happy Birthday!

Inspired?

2010-06-24T23:28:00.002-05:00

Hardly. I am just awake because of a phone call after I was asleep that jolted energy through my body AND my husband is laying in bed snoring which I have officially deemed one of the most annoying sounds created.

So, a lot has happened in 3 months. Yesterday, as I sat in the weight of all of the emotions I am currently feeling I was reminded of the line from Lady Antebellum's "Need you now"..."yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Although that is true, sometimes it feels like too much.

Hurt is not the only emotion that I have felt in the last 3 months. In that time, D and I attended a marriage conference where we probably experienced every emotion on any chart you could give us that listed "feeling words" but overall, we felt hopeful. And since returning home, we have experienced a lot of change in our lives and the lives around us that has left us sitting in moments and soaking in all that we are feeling.

Hope kinda feels like it has a funny way of messing with you sometimes. I am amazed how it can feel like it is the wind in your soar some days and other days it feels like a crushing weight in your chest. And still, I am not ready to give up on it quite yet.

So, this is where I am sitting tonight. Full and empty. Hopeful and cautious. Tired and energized. Alone and loved. Emotional and shut down. It kinda feels like a lot to carry so I think I am going to crawl back into bed and share my thoughts with the One who is able to comfort me even when I am not sure what comfort looks like.

4 years of Dancing

2010-03-24T14:58:00.006-05:00

March 24, 2006...a day that will forever occupy the spaces of my mind and heart. A day that reminds me of God's goodness, mercy, grace, and love. A day that reminds me what it means to have friends that KNOW me and LOVE me. A day that reminds me that I have been specifically chosen only for Darin for the rest of our lives. A day that reminds me that evil tried to rob me BUT GOD meant it for good...and it was good!

Life has been very full the last 4 years. Our lives have changed and grown as have we. Friendships have changed and grown. Our family has changed and grown. For some reason, an anniversary has a way of reminding you what is important.

I am grateful for family and all the joys, challenges, support, love, memories, and laughter that they bring.

I am grateful for friends who laugh with me, cry with me, sing with me, and pray for me.

I am grateful for a friend and pastor who embraces life with us to the fullest...always. I am grateful for a praying husband and supportive men who come alongside him.

I am grateful for a matron of honor who holds my dress and holds my heart with even more tenderness than I think even she knows.

I am grateful for my husband who walks side by side with me through life, holding my hand, and drinking a glass of wine as we face life's challenges together.

I am grateful for friends who can DANCE and celebrate with us!

If you would like to enjoy a tear producing post from my matron of honor visit T over at Seized By Hope.

Tagged a photo of you

2010-02-26T09:54:00.002-06:00

I am amazed by the different thoughts that run through my head when I receive that notification on facebook. A picture of me? Who took it? Do I look good in it? What was I doing? When did someone take a picture? Is this an old one or a new one? Who tagged me? Will I have to untag this one?

Last week, I received that exact notification. As the name popped up of someone who had tagged me, I got curious. It was a friend from high school. The last time I saw him was around Christmas at a "mini-reunion" but I had already seen those pictures. I clicked on the first photo. A group shot from our church ski trip taken our senior year...1996. Then I clicked on the second photo. A small group shot taken on the bus. Tears filled my eyes.

As I looked at that girl, a 14 year younger version of myself, I began to cry. I had never seen that picture before. That picture captured a moment in time when I believed a lie that I was not worth more. That lie grew for the next 7 years, constantly reminding me of failure, betrayal, and great loss. I grieved for what was lost that day.

In my grieving, I looked in the beautiful brown eyes of that 18 year old girl and told her that she was unique and special. She was so precious that she deserved to not have rules broken for her. I told her that she was beautiful and lovely and perfect just the way she is. I told her that she was worth so much more! I told her she was loved.

Permanence?

2010-02-19T17:34:00.003-06:00

I have a birthday calendar where I write birthdays and anniversaries that are important for me to remember. In the past, I had an amazing memory for birthdays and in some ways that hasn't changed. Now however, it looks like this..."February 19th, I know something happened on this day-oh yeah, Chris and Lib's anniversary".

Yesterday I went to look at the calendar and as I looked at the upcoming months, I couldn't help but notice that there were dates on my calendar in pen that surprised me. My initial response was to wonder why I had written those days with pen...I got irritated with myself. Irritated felt like an odd response. Why does it matter? Those names don't fit on my calendar anymore. They are people who played a role in my life for a time but not today (for various reasons).

As I pondered the significance I realized that those names and dates reminded me of hope that was lost. Dreams that died. Pain that was experienced...all in the context of relationship. Truth is, I will not forget those dates and I also believe that I don't have to have a constant "permanent" reminder on my calendar! I guess it's time to buy a new one and start over.

Significance=permanence=pen

If I'm not too sure about you...you'll be in pencil!

Add a caption...

2010-02-02T10:29:00.004-06:00

I was looking through a few of the pictures from Wyatt's birthday. As I pulled up a certain picture, I had to laugh out loud! I found myself CAUGHT! My face told a story of that captured moment and it reminded me of a picture from our wedding day. So, I thought I would post both of them and then give you a chance to add a caption...please, no R ratings!

(I will give you a hint...the face was not because of Wyatt's crying!)

Happy Birthday, Wyatt

2010-01-27T20:01:00.006-06:00

There are 2 times in my life that I clearly remember days. By remembering the days, I can picture exactly what was going on in the days, hours, and minutes leading up to the "big event". Those 2 times would be my/our wedding week and the days before Wyatt was born. What a gift to be able to so clearly recall where I was and what I was doing...I hope I never forget those moments. I have found myself joyously recounting those days surrounding Wyatt's birth the past week.

With that in mind, many of you may be wondering why I am just now posting about Wyatt's 1st birthday. There have been many distractions and all of them excuses that no one really wants to hear or read about. However, I did find it curious that today was actually my due date and it is also the day of D's grandmother's birthday. Happy 95th grandmother...we love you!

WYATT. He is absolutely adorable and amazing! We celebrated his birthday this past weekend with precious family and friends who have had a special impact on his life this year. On Friday, we went to the San Antonio Zoo for the 1st trip and both sets of grandparents along with Uncle Brian and Nessa enjoyed the wonder and amazement that oozed out of Wyatt's facial expressions and sounds. After a few hours at the zoo, we ended our special time on the Brackenridge Eagle...uncle Brian was looking forward to the train ride more than anything else!

Saturday was filled with minimal nap time and lots of play time which made for a tired little guy by the time his party rolled around. He still had fun however laughing, dancing, playing with balloons, and soaking in all of the attention! Much thanks to everyone for all of the love and support you have given us this year. Wyatt has changed our lives dramatically in ways we never imagined possible. He brings us great joy and reminds us daily of God's love for us!

Stay tuned for updated pictures...in the next few days, of course ;)

Peace in the hustle and bustle

2009-12-18T09:59:00.003-06:00

Wow! It is one week from Christmas. The Christmas tree is finally up and decorated and Wyatt is treating it surprisingly well.

My list of things to do runs through my head constantly and I have not found the time to knock out anything on the list that involves leaving the house. This morning, I was thinking about running a quick errand to my least favorite store EVER...Walmart. I had roughly an hour before Wyatt's nap time and I sat there debating whether or not to go. Not going won out...we'll save Wally World for another time.

Instead, I decided to pop in a Praise Baby DVD. I experienced a small piece of heaven for 30 minutes that was just what I needed to fill my soul. As the worship songs played, I was able to sing along and get this...Wyatt sat on my lap and sang along with me at times, waving his arms around, watching the entire time. Peace and praise...I am very thankful for my time this morning and hope that I will cherish this all day long!

My Wish For You...

2009-11-04T11:30:00.003-06:00

I have found myself growing less fond of Rascal Flatts in the past few years. I like the words to the songs but who they have become bugs me. Well, that is really neither here nor there.

On Sunday evening, D came along with Wyatt and I for a quick run to the grocery store. D has not been doing well lately. He is having disc problems in his back and is in a lot of pain physically. As we were driving to the store, an idiot driver pulled around us onto the dirt-non-lane and proceeded to drive like a bat out of hell! (I'd like to give my mom props for teaching me that phrase). Anyway, D became quite agitated and in my attempt to lighten the mood, I starting singing along with the song on the radio...

My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big
Your worries stay small
You never have to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' what your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

As I sang the words through tear filled eyes and voice we both experienced something surreal. I thought I was going to be funny but instead we both realized that those words touched many places in both of hearts that needed comfort in that moment. Life does not look like we want it to right now. We can't see where God is leading and how long he will have us waiting where we are. And still...I pray that we continue to dream big, knowing that he is carrying us as we journey along in this together.

Anger

2009-09-29T11:43:00.002-05:00

Today is Tuesday and I am co-leading a grace group tonight on Anger.

Tuesday. Not Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday but Tuesday. The one morning other than the weekend that D is home in the morning. The morning that I have a chance to sleep in a little if Wyatt does. The morning that the 3 of us get to hang out, eat breakfast together, drink coffee, listen to music, play, or watch TV.

This morning, Wyatt starting to fuss and wake up somewhere in the 5 o'clock hour. He fell back asleep...D and I did not. D and I are very different in our responses to not sleeping, possibly since he has had difficulty sleeping for over 15 years. He gets up, watches TV, reads, or, like this morning gets in the massage chair in the garage. On the other hand, I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep. For me, stimulation of the mind is a bad thing if I want to have any chance of falling back asleep.

Around 6, Wyatt woke again and this time it was clear that he was awake. I went in and got him, fed him, then we walked down to see daddy. D was so excited! He was happy that we were awake and that spending time with us was going to start earlier than he had thought possible. I began to get angry.

After his chair massage stopped, we came inside and he began asking about starting breakfast. I must have mumbled under my breath that it doesn't matter to me, (I just want to be asleep-no I'm not ready to eat!) go ahead. As he began to prepare breakfast, I sat in the family room and checked out. Wyatt was in the kitchen with daddy, trying his hardest to reach the counter tops...having the time of his life. As I sat by myself, I was determined not to help. Eventually, breakfast was ready and I did help Wyatt eat. As we finished, D asked if he could work on a few things on the computer that needed to be done (he could sense my anger and knew how I can blow up when I feel like he is checked out at the computer.) As I began to clean the kitchen, I was aware of my anger. Aware, not in touch.

An unexpected phone call interrupted my thoughts. I turned my anger there. It required D's attention and immediate action and allowed me a diversion to what had really been going on for me. Eventually D had to run upstairs and shower for work. I pulled out my book and read.

I've misdirected my anger towards others by...The misdirected anger has hurt others because...What is beneath my feelings of anger...What is my anger rooted in...What do I do when I feel this way...What is it I really need...I go to anger because...

As D came down the stairs, he poked at my heart. As we talked, I was able to partially process through what had gone on for me. I had missed some of what he offered me. I had hurt him with my words. I had hurt him with my silence. I could not own all of that.

Sitting here, replaying the scenes from this morning and writing them out, I am grieved. I missed out. I chose to allow my anger to hide my needs and feelings. I used anger to "maintain control". I used anger to blame D.

I had the same longing D did this morning but because I felt missed in my fatigue, I decided to hide behind my anger...guaranteeing that my longing could not be met.

Popcorn Thoughts

2009-09-14T17:12:00.002-05:00

I have never truly been a popcorn fan. When I was growing up, my brother and I used to pop some microwave popcorn that was already made with caramel. I am not sure how good that was for us but we liked it and it became somewhat of a splurge for us.

In my late 20's a friend introduced me to popcorn with Parmesan cheese or powdered Ranch. I could get into that,but never seem to make it for myself.

All that to say, I feel like my mind is full of popcorn thoughts and I don't really know what I want to write about since it has been so long since I have written.

So here's my popcorn:
Loneliness
Friendships
Weight Loss
Exercise
Wyatt's teething
Wyatt's pulling up to stand
We need to get a gate for the stairs
4 years since we got engaged
Busy weekends
Family
Reading
Journaling
Fall TV schedule
Holiday trips
Weddings
Baby showers
Work schedule
Thank you notes
Scrap booking
Cleaning
Organizing
Grocery shopping
Responding to emails, phone calls, FB messages
My sexy husband

That's all for now.

Bundle of BOY

2009-08-20T09:18:00.005-05:00

His sounds fill my house. He is screaming, he is laughing, he is grunting, he is crying, he is ALL BOY! Last night, while Wyatt was sleeping, my mom brought over a special surprise for him. We were able to find a fun car jumper toy that he had used in Amarillo and she was so excited to be able to get one for him to have at home.

This morning, as he is sitting and playing, I have a few minutes to catch up on the computer. I remembered that last August 20th was when we had our ultrasound to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. What a special moment as we began to embrace what we were experiencing! It is hard to believe that it was only a year ago. He will be turning 7 months old on Sunday and he has 4 teeth, is sitting on his own, is crawling short distances, and is full of passion! Full of passion= a very expressive boy both facially and vocally...he definitely has a set of lungs on him ;)

Enjoy a video from our trip to Amarillo...hopefully I will return to blogging next week!

One of these things just doesn't belong here

2009-07-17T10:08:00.003-05:00

I forgot my husband's birthday! Not really...I have been celebrating his life this week and enjoying the fun instead of writing about it. So, happy birthday babe. I hope that you continue to feel loved and celebrated. Wyatt and I had fun visiting daddy's work on Wednesday to bring him balloons and breakfast!

I decided to try something different. Do you all remember the Sesame Street game, "one of these things just doesn't belong here"? I thought it would be fun to give you a list of adjectives and pick which ones don't "fit" D. Let's see if your list is the same as mine. Pick a word from each list that doesn't describe or represent Darin.

1. Dedicated, dancer, dangerous, delirious
2. Dependable, delightful, dumb, dad
3. Daring, daftly, dreamer, different
4. Def Leppard, dandy, darling, duce

My Better Half

2009-07-13T11:51:00.002-05:00

... And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

These are just a few of the lyrics we sang along to this weekend at the Keith Urban concert. Believe it or not, this concert made one of the top 3 we have seen together including Coldplay and Def Leppard. The concert tickets were a Father's Day gift and the weekend away was part of a bday gift since my man is turning 39 this week! We had some of the best conversations we have ever had on our road trip and during dinner before the concert. It was fun to laugh and cry and even learn new things about each other. Sometimes it is hard for me to separate the conversations in my head from the conversations that truly happen...that being said, D and I had some catching up to do.

The last couple of weeks, my heart and mind have had some long conversations with God. The places where I have been emotionally have lead me to some ugly realizations.

I love the love that D has for me. I love the way he sees me and knows me. He is strong for me, but He is not designed to be my everything. I guess I realized recently that I have been demanding that he be my everything. You know what, he failed, and when he did I realized where I have been putting him. I set him up to fail. Yikes!

The best part about realizing this truth though is that I now have a chance to let D be my husband, God be God, and my friends be friends...and that is something to look forward to!

Moments like these...

2009-06-23T21:19:00.006-05:00

Roughly 5 years ago, I was introduced to a 13 year old girl. From the outside looking in, I saw a quiet and hard teenager. As I began to know this young lady, I saw a slightly angry, scared, confused girl who covered her feelings with sarcasm, disdain, and a lot of black clothing.

To be honest, when I first met her, I felt a little intimidated. It was only my second year as a physical therapist, making it my first year working in pediatrics. Since pediatrics ranged from birth to 21 years old, I was used to having a lot of patients in the baby range up to 10 years old but working with a teenager was a newer area for me. I have always found communication to be easy for me...except in this case. She would sit there as I talked and look at me like I was a little crazy, nodding her head or giving me a short answer if my question required more than a simple "yes" or "no".

As I began to hear her story spoken in bits and pieces from her lips but primarily from her mom's, my heart sank low into my chest. The day before her 4th birthday, she was taken to the hospital with a sudden onset of severe physical symptoms. After extensive testing, they diagnosed her with Ependymoma-a tumor on her spinal cord. At that point, her oncologist told the family that they should begin to make preparations for a funeral since she would have very little time to live. Her family however had deep faith and believed that God could heal their precious little girl.

Fast forward 14 years and you meet one of my favorite patients of all time! The last 14 years have not been easy. Chemotherapy, wheelchairs, radiation, therapy, walking, no control of her lower body, walkers, jumping, standing frames, driving. If it feels a little sporadic, it is. Depending on the growth of the tumor and how much pressure it places on the spine determines what her level of mobility will be. The last 5 years in particular have had many highs and lows and as her physical body adjusts to the constant change, I have watched her faith grow through the questions she is willing to ask. What a joy it has been for me to be able to share a special friendship with her through all the ups and downs.

So, as I celebrate her graduation from high school and I celebrate 5 months of life with my precious son, I am reminded that I am truly blessed to experience the best of both worlds
between work and family!

YOU are not a martyr

2009-06-06T12:21:00.002-05:00

That is what I yelled at my boss today over the phone! Well, that is how the internal dialog went in my head. D is in the middle of a guitar lesson and Wyatt is asleep otherwise I would vent to one of them, so the world wide web will just have to do!

Currently, I am cooling off and evaluating whether the flexibility that I have with my job right now is worth the price that I am paying for my mental sanity.

Since returning to my job on a contract basis, they have changed the pay periods. So, the first 3 weeks that I worked were supposed to go on a paycheck that I would be receiving (according to the paperwork) on June 1st. I am typically patient so when I didn't receive a paycheck in the mail on Wednesday, I left a message for the office manager to find out if they had indeed been mailed or was it still sitting at the office, waiting for me to come and pick it up?

Apparently they were mailed on the 1st, so yesterday (June 5th) when I checked the mail at noon and still had not received a check, I called my boss. "Well, everyone else received their's in fact, they have all been cashed." Hmmmm. She told me to check today (Saturday) and then to call her and if it had not arrived, she would cut me a check and meet me somewhere on Sunday.

I checked the mail...no paycheck, so I called and let her know that if she wanted to drop off a check at the office at some point, I would be willing to pick it up from there on Monday-so she didn't have to be inconvenienced. My boss, the martyr, was the one to call back today singing a different song. "I am leaving to go out of town tomorrow. I don't have the payroll information. I am sick. I am not returning to the office before I leave. You should check with the post office as to why it takes so long since the office manager told me once that it took a long time for something to get to you that she sent...etc." To which I respond, "Sounds like I will just have to see if I can transfer some money from savings."

She went on about how she would try but...

Typically, I do not like to vent on my blog but I feel a little better writing it out. The point is not that we don't have money or that we are in trouble, it's just the principle and the fact that I am tired of hearing the martyr role from her, it happens a lot!

The one in which I called myself a vixen

2009-06-01T09:33:00.005-05:00

D has mastered the art of laughing at my word mix-ups, especially the ones now related to "pregnancy brain" and "mommy brain". At some point, last fall, I was trying to describe myself as a "pillar of strength", a "tower"...and the word that I used was vixen. After it came out, I knew that it wasn't right but I couldn't think of the word that would actually be appropriate for what I desired to describe.

Early this morning, I was laughing to myself when I thought about this line. I must have remembered it as I was feeling a little pride in the fact that I seemed to nip a cold in the bud. "I" managed to do this while operating on very little sleep this weekend since Wyatt's 4 month old shots seemed to take away his ability to sleep this time around!

Needless to say, sleep is feeling overrated at this point and I can guarantee that I will most likely come up with other clever words/phrases over the next few weeks!

D, Wyatt and I taking a family portrait after the shots...I love Wyatt's intense face!

Here I am holding my bundle of joy after the shots. He cried briefly but smiled soon after!

Here's daddy holding his 15lb, 13 oz boy who is 26 1/4 inches long!

Extravagent Love...My 1st Mother's Day

2009-05-14T13:00:00.007-05:00

This is my 1st Mother's Day. In all honesty, I feel like having Wyatt is a gift in and of itself! My family however, had in mind more when it came to blessing me this weekend. Of course I was hoping for something special this year but I have been overwhelmed all week just thinking about how they expressed their love to me.

Here I am with a dozen roses that Darin brought home for me...they are 1/2 my height and gorgeous! It was so sweet to see the joy he had in giving these to me.

Before you blame Darin for this one, you can get onto my dad for the jump rope! The mother's day after I was born (6 months after my birth...my mother's 1st) my dad bought my mom a Mohamed Ali-ball baring jump rope so that she could lose the remainder of the weight that my mom still had after having me. Not good. My parents have now made a joke out of the gifts that my dad used to buy my mom on special occasions. My mom thought it would be fun to pass the jump rope onto me as a joke but they couldn't find the original and had to buy a new one.
***Disclaimer-My parents have both been very encouraging about how good I look after having Wyatt so this is not a slam on me but a continuation of a family joke. ***

Here we have a picture of all the additional blessings from mother's day. Flowers and bib from a friend, tea cup flowers and a special note from Wyatt (my mom), 2 new Pandora charms (one from my brother with Wyatt's birthstone and a blue bead from D to match "my boys'" eyes, and diamond stud earrings. The sentiment behind each of these was amazing!
My parents and D went in on the earrings together. In the card from my mom, she said "I wanted this 1st Mother's Day to show you extravagant love, and our Heavenly Father loves us more than this!"

Here's the best Mother-Son picture we got at the end of the day when Wyatt was a little bit tired and so was my hair ;)
Many thanks to my family for their extravagant love...I am overwhelmed! I have enjoyed every unforgettable moment of this special 1st Mother's Day.

My Ebenezer

2009-05-06T12:25:00.004-05:00

Sunday evening, I was sitting on the couch next to D and I was surfing the computer with intent. As I landed on a site and was reading, D asked me what I was looking for. I looked at him, with tears welling up in my eyes and read, " an Ebenezer is a "stone of help", or a reminder of God's real, holy presence and divine aid."

Real, holy presence and divine aid. 15 weeks ago, I never would have imagined how God's real presence would be felt in my life. His aid, His faithfulness, His provision, is what has allowed me to stay at home 15 weeks. 1 week to get ready for Wyatt, and 14 to spend uninterrupted time getting to know him.

I remember a couple of years ago, T sharing with me about an Ebenezer. She reminded me that it is important to be able to look back and remember God's faithfulness. I know that Wyatt will always be a reminder of God's faithfulness, His provision for our family when I thought having 6 weeks off would be impossible. Just in case I am tempted to forget, I went and bought a "stone" to always remind me of His faithfulness at this time in my life. May I always remember...

Here is a picture of my new Pandora charm. D bought me the "little boy" and I "heart" you box for our anniversary this year.
Here is a "reminder" of what Wyatt and I felt at 7:15am Monday morning when we had to leave the house to meet with my boss about returning to work part-time!

3 months

2009-04-27T11:14:00.008-05:00

Apparently, 3 month olds sleep all the time. That, or his parents find him completely adorable while sleeping and cannot resist taking pictures!

We celebrated 3 months with Wyatt a few days ago and most of these pictures were snapshots from our day. He really doesn't sleep all the time, in fact it is quite opposite. Since having so much company, we are slowing starting to get more sleep!

Wyatt loves to smile, talk to us, and kick! He is rolling from tummy to back all the time and starting to roll from his back to his side...no tummy yet! We are loving every minute with him and hope you enjoy some sleepy pictures.

Finally moving into the BIG crib!

Wide awake at the beginning of the walk...fast asleep at the end.

So comfortable while being held by Lolly and Pop...sleep is just irresistible!

All my pictures are not of me sleeping...I just happen to be awake to wish my "aunt" Katy a Happy Birthday!!

Number 13

2009-04-22T12:39:00.002-05:00

Last night, Wyatt and I walked up to the softball field where we were greeted by the familiar chants of the SACS girls fast-pitch softball team. Wyatt was sleeping peacefully until we were close to the dugout. His eyes then pinged open...it was a little loud!

My friend Kelly coaches the team along with her dad who was my coach in high school. Each year, I try to make it to a game and as I sit there, precious memories fill my thoughts. Last night was a little different than what I remember experiencing in the past. It seems that in previous years, I at least knew one or two of the girls from when they were little. That was not the case this year. In fact, as I scanned the bleachers, I realized that I really didn't know anyone and no one knew me either.

Kelly started a tradition when she joined the team my sophomore year...CHANTS! Annoying, loud, funny, fun, encouraging to the team-discouraging to the opponents, chants. As the girls yelled the chants, I had to laugh. Although I could still appreciate them, I realized what my non-softball friends were talking about when they said that we were over the top. You definitely don't enjoy the chants as much as when you are part of the team and enjoying that with your friends and teammates. Each time a girl went to the plate and the chant for her number was sung, I smiled thinking about the girls that had worn those #'s when I played (although their uniforms are much nicer than what we wore!)

# 13. That was my number. Last night, # 13 held her place in the dugout that was closest to the bleachers. At one point, I heard her say to her friend, "I can't wait till I am married and have a baby!" Ironic. She was # 13. I wore that # 13 years ago. I can remember myself dreaming about what life would look like after high school, college, graduate school, etc. In fact, my senior yearbook states that I will..."be working as a physical therapist, married, and have 2 kids." Little did I know that 13 years later, I would be enjoying a game with an "old" friend while holding my 1st little boy. God's plans are so much better than mine!

See it to Feel it

2009-04-20T09:05:00.002-05:00

We recently watched the movie Marley and Me...***SPOILER ALERT***
I am a sensitive individual and have definitely dealt with some hormonal crying over the past year. What happened to me while watching the movie however was a dam-breaking type of crying.

D was sitting next to me and I remember him looking at me a few times to check and see if I was okay. I can't remember a time in the recent past where I have literally cried as much watching a movie as I did the other night.

His mom watched the movie with us and when it ended, I sat there, feeling very vulnerable in my tears. As D and I retired to our room to get ready for bed, I shared with him that I felt like what I had experienced was about more than the just the movie. He was curious.

In the movie, Jennifer Aniston's character becomes pregnant. While sitting in the doctor's office at 9-10 weeks pregnant, and waiting to hear the heartbeat for the 1st time, she realizes that she has had a miscarriage. At the end of the movie, Marley, who you have grown to love has to be put to sleep. It was during these 2 scenes that I experienced more than just sadness.

I feel like I am able to sympathize and empathize with pain fairly well. However, as I watched the movie, the faces of MY friends flashed before my eyes. I have never experienced either one of those scenes in my own life but I do have friends who have. For the first time, I believe I was able to feel a little bit of their pain because I was able to see those scenes in the movie and it was extremely overwhelming.

I hope that I have adequately expressed what I am trying to say. This feels like an attempt to express in words something felt so deep that almost cannot be expressed in words.

Easter 2009

2009-04-13T21:31:00.021-05:00

Easter this year was definitely a first! As D posted today, I felt as if his story of what went on leading up to Easter was my story. In the midst of having company for 2 weeks, I was made aware of my sins...past, PRESENT, and possibly future. This awareness left me sitting in some heavy places as I reflected on my response to what I felt. I guess it left me realizing all that Christ died for when he bore my sin and my shame! All that to say, when Easter finally arrived, I was able to sit and soak the glory of Christ revealed in me!

On Saturday, my mom (possibly Lolly) dropped by to deliver Wyatt's first Easter basket. Apparently, my dad (Pop) thought it was too feminine for us but Lolly decided it might be the only year she could get by with buying something like this. I wonder if Wyatt's face matches Pop's feeling about the basket.

Sunday morning was actually our first Sunday to church since Wyatt was born. He was a little worn out and slept all the way from home till the worship service. Here he is in his precious Easter outfit from his Cabell grandparents...yet to have clever grandparent names ;)

Once we arrived at my parents house, we tried to take a family portrait...and this was the best!

Of course we needed one of all the grandparents! Can you tell we are losing Wyatt here?

After lunch, Wyatt had a lot of fun being entertained by his uncle Brian

All in all, a good time was had by all...even the sleep deprived!

Feed me, I'm full

2009-03-31T21:53:00.003-05:00

My heart feels full after a weekend retreat, The Allure of Hope. Seized By Hope Ministries hosted a retreat this weekend where the speaker was Jan Myers, author of the book The Allure of Hope. A book which I strongly recommend.

Being full was a feeling experienced in my heart, my head, and my stomach...the food was absolutely incredible, the information was overwhelming, and the emotions of my heart stirred and left me even longing for more.

As I connected with precious friends, relished moments with new friends, and reflected alone in quiet with God, I knew that this would be one of those weekends that fills my heart. One of those that my heart looks back fondly on, one that is hard to sum up in a blog post.

I will say that my desire for time with Jesus was refreshed and I love being reminded of what is unique about being a woman, a beauty that God is and has created in me!

2 months, 2 feet, 2 years + 1

2009-03-25T14:58:00.006-05:00

As of this week, Wyatt is 2 months old, 2 feet long, and we are celebrating 3 years of wedded bliss!
The post title of 2 + 1 may be a little confusing but I think it is quite appropriate.

On Monday, while D and I were driving to Wyatt's appt, I sat there staring at my son and the tears began to fall. (Have I mentioned that ever since having Wyatt, I often sneeze when I begin to cry? I have begun to wonder if some of my wires didn't get a little crossed somewhere!)

Back to the crying. Monday, the 23rd was the 3 year anniversary of our rehearsal dinner for our wedding. I think that there will always be certain memories in our minds that will be triggered over and over, year after year. As I sat there, holding all my memories, from that weekend I was very aware of God's redemption. If you told me that 3 years from that day in 2006 I would be holding my perfect son in my arms, I might have called you a liar. That day, I couldn't see anything beyond the cloud of dust that filled the room. BUT GOD , who is rich in mercy, because of his great love...(Ephesians 2:4-7.) had more for me!

2+1 because the 1st was survival
2+1 because 2 became 1
2+1 because 2 begot 1
2+1=3 years of fighting for our lives, living with passion, hoping in faith, learning to love, falling more for each other, laughing and crying, whispering and yelling, playing and resting, and even more than we can possibly hope or imagine...marriage. So much more than just wedded bliss!

Definitely worth it!

My Life Would Suck Without You

2009-03-12T16:55:00.002-05:00

You probably think that I am going to post about how my life would suck without my son or husband, or friends, or family. Although that is true, I hope that I would have a better vocabulary to express my true feelings there.

This post is largely based on my love for Kelly Clarkson's passion. Her passion, you say, why not just her? It is a well known fact that years ago I was caught singing, "Since You've Been Gone" at the top of my lungs in the main room of a cabin during a singles retreat for our church. I felt as if I had no shame that day. The freedom I experienced was something new for me. Although I am loud and seem to do things publicly that others wouldn't dream of doing, I often found myself acting out of a place of shame. The difference that weekend was that I was recently engaged (the night before) and I knew that this man loved me completely...even knowing all of the quirks and shame that I carried with me. I didn't even think twice about singing at the top of my lungs to a song that just invites some loud singing and incredible butt dance moves!

All that to say, I feel that Kelly Clarkson's songs provoke in me a desire to sing without shame. Singing is a gift that I have and yet I still struggle to sing publicly the way I sing in private. I often feel that the gift I possess is good but it is "less than" others or not good enough and therefore I sing with reserve. As I have realized this over the last few years, I have explored those feelings and believe that I am slowly dusting off the shame.

Last night, while watching Kelly Clarkson sing on American Idol, my eyes were misty and I had a huge grin on my face. When D looked over at me, he told me that I looked so giddy and wondered what was going on for me. I'm not too sure, but I do know that the feeling that I experienced in my heart and the desire to sing at the top of my lungs propelled me to sing along unashamedly and I liked it! In fact, I asked D to save the episode that we had DVR'd just so I could watch it again and SING like no one was listening or like EVERYONE was listening :)

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

2009-03-04T12:45:00.004-06:00

As I sit here, searching for words to express my heart, Wyatt sleeps on my chest. His little head is soaked from the tears that have been streaming down my face.

This morning, at 7:07am, I rolled over hoping to ignore the phone call that was waking me up. I looked at the caller id and knew that I needed to answer the call. My aunt Debbie was on the other end of the line.

My cousin is 25 years old and 35 weeks pregnant with little Ethan. This fall, we took a trip to visit and took pictures of the 2 of us sharing our pregnancy together. Shortly after returning home, we learned that her little baby boy was showing signs of heart abnormalities on ultrasounds. After meeting with specialists in Dallas, they found out that their little baby had a diagnosis of Trisomy 13.

As I talked to Debbie, I heard that on Sunday, my cousin didn't feel Ethan moving. At a routine appt on Monday, there was no heartbeat. She went to the hospital and labor began until late last night when they allowed her to rest. They started everything up again this morning.

Since that call 5 weeks ago, my heart and mind have been heavy as I realize that their dreams have been held together only by a string. A string of hope that a miracle will happen and that Ethan will be completely healed. Hope that they will have more than the average time with him. Hope that she will give birth to a baby that is alive who she can hear cry. Today, I am grieving with them the loss of their precious son and the reality that they will only have a few hours to hold Ethan in their arms before he is taken away from them.

As I opened up my blog to post, I had a text message at 12:43pm that simply said, "It's over."

The next few hours, they will hold precious Ethan and have pictures taken that they will always cherish. My heart grieves and I find it impossible to even imagine what they are all experiencing. My mind vividly recalls the birth of Wyatt and his first cries. She will not hear those. Although she will be able to hold him, he is lifeless and I can only imagine that her heart must feel that way too right now.

The family will be in my prayers and I know that they would covet your prayers as well during this time of grieving as well as the days, months, and years that follow. This is now a part of their story.

If you feel like watching, I found a video dedicated to families of children with Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18.

Memories in my Mind

2009-02-23T17:36:00.003-06:00

I sit alone on a cold New Years Eve. The clock strikes midnight and I feel peace like I have rarely felt. I am alone and yet He speaks to me and I know that my life will never be the same again.

Sitting at the front of the church, my plastic mask has a huge crack. My body says stay away and yet she stands back with an invitation. Tonight, I accept her invitation. The tears stream down my face, melting away my mask as I sit in a large chair at Starbucks, blurting out the first lines of my story.

He sits across from me in a plastic chair. He reaches for my hands while telling me he doesn't know what this will look like. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel hopeful. I feel like I have waited for this night for a long time.

We meet week after week just the 3 of us. We share pieces of our heart and trust the hearts that hear our pain and our joy. Each week the places we go invite us to hope and dream for ourselves and for each other.

I stare at the CD player in a white Volkswagen bug. The song that is playing is "our song". My eyes are then covered with a pink blindfold as I smile and cry, anticipating the evening ahead of me.

The black and white table is as perfect as the night. We sit alone as he asks me to become his wife. His tears remind me of all of the reasons I willingly exclaim, YES!

The days have been difficult. There is much sadness during this time of great joy. For a moment, I experienced a slice of heaven as all 9 women sit there worshiping. No words are spoken and yet we each know that this is exactly what I need.

He rests his head on my chest and rakes his fingers across my skin. I look over to see his daddy's face with complete joy and tears welling up in his eyes. I realize that I am right where I was created to be.

Memories in my mind...too precious to be captured in a photograph. These are sacred moments. They allow me to remember the emotions and thoughts as they pull me back into the scenes of my life. I think these memories invite me to remember what is pure and raw when all else is stripped away.

P.S.: Lostdogman is back and definitely worth reading!

Our Miracle

2009-02-11T17:56:00.004-06:00

I am sitting here, catching up on life (a little), only because we have a grandmother and great grandmother holding our precious miracle...Wyatt. I am happy that he is being loved on tremendously but I have to say that I am missing holding him quite a bit, and I think his daddy is too!

Wyatt joined our family on Friday, January 23, 2009 at 3:56am. He was 8 lbs. 13 oz. and was 20 1/4 inches long. Currently, I am enjoying soaking in my son and I will return to writing/blogging as I desire! For now, it feels great to just be instead of having to "do" anything!

Happy Birthday Brian

2008-12-30T18:20:00.008-06:00

Today I celebrate my little brother, my favorite brother, my only brother. I say all those descriptors and they may be a little funny but the truth is...he means the world to me. My brother is unique and any of you who know him are probably smiling right about now. He is a passionate man, full of life, adventurous, fun and funny, deep, spirited, a truth teller. I celebrate the life that he has lived and the life that is yet to be lived within him. This past year, we have had the privilege of living in the same town again after 9+ years and I have loved getting to spend more time with him and hearing up close and personal the stories of his heart. I look forward to all that God has for him in this upcoming year and pray that it is full of good surprises and memories that last a lifetime! Here's to you Brian...the last bday before you become an amazing uncle! We love you!

Most of the pictures I found are from concerts...you could say the 3 of us have a love for music!

Crazy faces and animation exaggeration might just run in the family!

We can be seriously sweet too!

Happy 28th!

6 weeks

2008-12-16T13:17:00.009-06:00

I am sure many of you are thinking...yeah what has happened to your blog posts over the past 6 weeks? I guess you could say that I have been living life and not so much writing about it. As I tossed in bed this morning, unable to sleep, I realized that it has been 6 weeks since I wrote and it is also only 6 weeks till the due date of our little boy.

6 WEEKS!

The past 6 weeks have felt like a whirlwind as I have experienced life and all that it holds for us right now. We have celebrated the holidays with D's family, celebrated holidays with my family, celebrated my birthday (this one really made me realize that I am in my 30s now!), been showered with blessings and gifts from friends for the baby, visited and experienced life and grace in a new church, sat in some uncomfortable places as we look at jobs for both D and I in the near future, waited to hear if/when/where God is calling us back into ministry, and have slowly progressed in decorating the nursery.

Although I feel like I have no control over my life whatsoever right now, I know I am right where He wants me to be!

Enjoy one of my favorite pictures from the past 6 weeks:

Here I am getting ready to indulge in the most decadent peppermint, chocolate, cake of goodness! I think I could have this every year...although rumor has it that it took quite a bit of time to make ;)

10 years ago

2008-10-31T18:40:00.002-05:00

10 years ago, I was 20 years old and a junior in college. While others were trick-or-treating, I was sitting on the top floor of the military hospital in my grandfather's hospice room. The day was long. My family was all present and accounted for which was rare based on the previous years history. My grandpa-my mom's dad was my last living grandparent. The years that I had spent with him were precious. There had been a lot of drama early on and I remember everything changing in our relationship with my grandfather after he became a Christian. I know some stories and I know some of you actually know more of the stories but part of the joy of being a child is that I did not experience the pain that my mom and aunt did in their relationship with him.

By the time we were able to enjoy the man he had become, he had been diagnosed with cancer and given only a short time to live. He actually lived much longer than the doctors had predicted and some redemption was experienced in his children's lives.

On Halloween night, he passed away. I remember my aunt being so angry that he died on Halloween. That was 10 years ago today and I miss him greatly. There is an ache in my heart as I think about his role in my life and all the life that I have lived without him...without all of my grandparents.

Scars

2008-10-17T14:19:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a little about scars the past couple of days. How often do you think about the scars on your body? For me, I tend to only acknowledge them when they are pointed out, obvious, or when a rare memory reminds me of the story that caused those scars.

What has me thinking about scars? On Wednesday, I went to the dermatologist to get a "sun-spot" checked out on my face. I have noticed this spot on my right cheek over the last couple of years but with pregnancy it has grown a little (which I know is normal!) It's one of those spots that actually doesn't bother me at all. The only reason I was going in was because there is a history of skin cancer in my family and I wanted to be safe. I wasn't looking for action to be taken unless necessary. I could have lived with this "beauty mark."

The dermatologist immediately gave me the long run down about how she thought it was just a freckle that got a little out of control (my words) and nothing to be concerned about. Nevertheless, if it was cancerous, it would be treated the same way initially...freeze the ____ out of my face! Which she proceeded to do. Now, I have a dark mark the size of a nickle on my check with a blistered and bloody border. Talk about self-conscious. No, I don't work with kids who stare at my face, or visit high schools to perform therapy visits, or attend weddings for childhood friends on the weekends!

All this to say, it has had me thinking a little bit. Now that my face is gradually healing, the blister has popped and the skin is oozing, flaking, and starting to scab. Sorry for all the weak stomachs out there!

How often are we content and perfectly fine with our scars. We brush off the reason that they are there. We don't want anyone to point out their existence because if they do, we might actually have to look at what they are pointing out. Our scars can be our wounds, our sin, etc. Once exposed though we have a choice to ignore it or actually step into what is being brought up. It feels kinda hard to ignore this huge mark on my face...I wonder what life would be like if we couldn't choose to ignore the spots or scars in our own lives.

Random thoughts

2008-10-14T15:16:00.003-05:00

Random thoughts:
1. I am tired of looking at my blog title "Cheesecake Anyone?", so I wanted to change my blog post...but I feel very un-creative today.
2. I am now 25 weeks pregnant and starting to feel the fun side effects of puffiness-especially in my hands and feet.
3. D and I are playing house for 9 days with 4 kids...we are on day 5.
4. I haven't tried that cheesecake yet, the schedule has been a little hectic lately.
5. We are making progress on the baby's room. We(my parents) have purchased a crib, cut the bedding (my mom is making our crib bedding) and bought a rocker/recliner for the sitting room.
6. I would post pictures, but they are on the computer at home and I won't be there till Saturday night.
7. I seem to have strained my thumb and find that I truly do sleep in odd sleeping positions which sometimes poses a problem in pregnancy.
8. D and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving/Christmas this year with my in-laws the 1st week of November this year since I can't travel later...I have to have all their Christmas gifts to take with us then.
9. I sometimes find myself paralyzed when it comes to making decisions for the "baby gear", maybe since it is such an unfamiliar topic.
10. Although I am tired from not sleeping very much, I have the joy of learning about the life of teenagers and the simple pleasures of toddlers this week. Did you know that anything fun pretty much equals the "Best Day Ever!"

So, there is what is swishing around in my head (that I want to share with you today). Hopefully, I will come back soon with a little more energy!

Cheesecake Anyone?

2008-10-02T13:10:00.003-05:00

Since becoming pregnant, I have noticed that some of my anal qualities have increased although many have decreased. One of the major ones is my need to control the sauce on my food. I am not sure if it is a habit I have picked up over the years of monitoring my food intake or if it is just an area to control, but I like to be in charge of my sauce. I will always opt for salad dressing on the side, gravy on the side, bar-b-que sauce on the side, etc. I usually do not choose to eat food that is drowning in any type of sauce and this has made me a little odd and difficult at times.

There are certain flavors and tastes that I have said absolutely no to eating as well. Honey mustard, cheesecake, ketchup, and mayonnaise are just a few on the list.

Since being pregnant, my taste buds may have changed. Or, my need to be anal and in control has changed. I have noticed that I don't mind more of my food with sauce already on it. I have used some condiments that I never would have dreamed of using in the past. In fact, just the other day, I had a veggie wrap and used some honey mustard for flavoring. I know...not a big deal to some but for those of you who know my food preferences well, you are probably shocked!

All that to say, maybe I should give cheesecake another try. Who knows? But then again, maybe I should spare myself the calories.

Happy 21st Kelly

2008-09-23T22:31:00.007-05:00

The year I turned 16, I had a total of 3 birthday parties. One from my family, a kidnapping party from the friends in my class (the kind where they get you early in the morning, make you dress up like an idiot, take you to breakfast, then leave you on the front lawn of your boyfriend's house), and a surprise party thrown by my dear friend Kelly (who is in the class below me). I had grown up close friends with all the girls that were one year younger than me. Our parents were friends and we all went to church together so there was a strong bond that remained through middle school. Around the time I became a freshman, I realized that I didn't have as many friends that were in my grade level. I eventually made friends with the girls my age but always stayed close to the girls a year younger than me.

In 8th grade, I remember walking through the hallway at school and seeing a little brunette with some wild jeans. She was obviously a visitor since the rest of us were wearing uniforms. This visitor eventually enrolled in our school and joined the class that was a year behind me. Little did I know that day that she would become one of my dearest friends. Fast forward a few years, to my 16th bday party thrown by that little brunette...Kelly!

I might have been a little bit of an attention seeker in my youth. I look back at the pictures from the party that Kelly threw for me and laugh a little. You see, I was completely into Aladdin and Kelly had a huge Genie pinata and all sorts of party favors for the Aladdin themed party. She knew me well. I'm not too sure that I knew me well though. Anyway, I had a blast celebrating my 16th bday that day and I had just as much fun last night celebrating Kelly's 21st bday, 15 years later!

We met at the Tokyo Steakhouse for a celebration of Kelly and Matt's birthdays. Here is Kelly in the middle along with Lane and I.

Mark told the chef that cooked the food at our table to do the "nasty" version when we were given a choice between nasty and regular. This is a picture of Lane after the appalling "nasty" demonstration that made all of us blush and made Mark ask to go back to the "regular" version.
Here's a group shot...everyone looks ready for the picture except D and I. Not too sure what is going on there.
After a wonderful dinner and Lane's scrumptious birthday cake, we walked outside to find Mark's suburban with a major flat...so that is how the night ended!
Happy Bday Kelly! I look forward to celebrating your 30th next time!

Fall Retreat

2008-09-19T17:52:00.005-05:00

When I was in junior high and high school, I lived for school retreats. Each year, we went on a fall retreat until we were juniors and seniors when we actually went on a fall and spring retreat. Typically we were at one of the HEB camps enjoying the river, camp food, volleyball, chapel, and bunking with close friends.
I lived for this time each year not only because I was a social butterfly but I loved being able to step out of the normal routine of life and just relax, spend time with God, and have fun.

(Starting our freshman year, we took a group friend shot each retreat.)

(Here I am with my friend Beth, after cleaning our cabin and gathering the remainder of our stuff!)

Ever since that last retreat in the Spring of 1996, I have wanted to return to HEB camp. I always dreamed that it might be fun to rent out a cabin for a weekend and head back with all the girls for a weekend away. That has never happened, however, this weekend I thought I might have an opportunity to take my husband with me to experience a retreat together.

Weeks ago, D applied for a position as a Junior High director at a church. We have been feeling like we are called into full-time ministry and as we prayed, this felt like a perfect fit. The interview process proceeded and as we began to hear about the upcoming events for the youth group, I noticed that they were going on a retreat this weekend. I began to get excited! Not just about the retreat, but about the job and ministry and what this would mean for our family. We even kept the calendar empty this weekend in case D got the job and they asked us to be a part of things. Well, God has other plans for us. We did not get the job and although it is disappointing, we are resting in His promise that He will provide even if it doesn't look like we think it will.

That said, D and I have decided to have our own retreat. Our week has been heavy and tiresome and we are needing rest. So, we are "retreating" to our own home for some rest and solitude. The weekend may not looked like we had hoped it might, but I am certain it will be just what we need!

Re-evaluating Need

2008-09-08T14:27:00.002-05:00

T had a post on Provision last week which has been swishing around in my brain since then. Here are a few of the swishing thoughts that I have had as I have re-evaluated needs.

When D and I first were married, I remember specifically a conversation where I shared with him some of my needs. These needs were not so much true needs as they were my "needs" that I wanted to selfishly maintain. As we were talking about my desire to work or not work in the future, I exclaimed that I would at least want to work a little to pay for all of my necessary Aveda products monthly. He laughed slightly yet knew at the same time that I was not kidding.

Yesterday, as I stood in the shower, re-evaluating needs I quickly was reminded of the above story. You see, somewhere along the way, my priorities have changed. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that it is important to take care of myself and to be kind to myself by indulging at times, but it does not have to be such a selfish need.

I washed my hair yesterday for the last time with the expensive shampoo (that I bought with a gift certificate) and looked forward to buying the mega bottle at Costco. I used my eyeshadow pencil to scrape out MAC lipstick from the near empty tube which is still usable just not spreadable. I plucked my eyebrows-is it really necessary to get them waxed every 6 weeks? I think not!

I smiled as I thought of other ways that my priorities have changed when it comes down to spending money. When did I change? I think the process has been gradual but I have enjoyed the journey. When it comes to spending money, I would much rather save, bless others, and provide for my family...when all is said and done, will anyone even know what shampoo, lipstick, body wash I use? I hope not! I hope that they know more about my life, my passions, and my dreams which are much bigger than anything money can buy!

Discombobulated

2008-09-02T15:52:00.002-05:00

Discombobulated is my word for the day. Why?
Go to bed and barely sleep. Set the alarm for 6:45am. Snooze till 7:00am thinking you have to leave the house at 7:45am. Pull out your schedule before hopping in the shower to see what lies ahead of you for the day. Realize you have an extra morning patient meaning you need to leave at 7:10am. That's in 8 minutes!!!!!!! Jump in and out of the shower, brush teeth, apply moisturizer, blow dry bangs, throw on clothes, create tornado as you kiss your husband goodbye and run down the stairs and out the door.

How's your day?

The Melting Pot

2008-08-25T07:20:00.008-05:00

D got off work at 8:00 on Wednesday night and ran home to pick me up for our special dinner. As we were driving, I told him that I wanted to guess where we were going. I guessed the Melting Pot since he had mentioned earlier in the day while we were having the ultrasound that we should wait to find out at dinner since the restaurant already knew we were coming. He usually tells our friends at the Melting Pot what we are celebrating and buys me flowers that are always waiting at our table.

After we placed our drink order, D pulled the 3 sonogram pictures out of the envelope labeled "Baby Cabell".
As we sat there, trying to find the words, "It's A...", we were getting more anxious.
Here we are, tears and all, after reading that we are having a BOY!
To celebrate, the waiter put a blue candle in our cheesecake (that only D ate!)
After our dinner and dessert, we headed over to my parents house to share our exciting news!

Sweet Day

2008-08-20T12:49:00.002-05:00

Roughly 8 months ago, I sat in a pleather chair in the waiting room of the 2nd floor for Seven Oaks Women's Center. As I sat in the chair, I felt alone. Alone and watching woman after woman walk in the waiting room, pregnant and carrying a VHS tape. I didn't need a tape that day but I knew why each of them had one. The longer I sat, the more upset I became. I called D who was unable to get off work and I began to cry uncontrollably. The desire of my heart was to be there, waiting for an ultrasound to see my baby. Instead, my appt was for an ultrasound to reveal that I had PCOS which would complicate getting pregnant.

Today, I sat in a pleather chair, in the waiting room, with my sweet husband holding my hand as we waited for our turn. I didn't feel alone. There were still tears but they were tears of joy and awe as we watched the pictures of our baby up on the screen. Today was our BIG ultrasound and I was amazed at the BIGness of God our Creator as I look at what is going on inside of me. Our baby looked perfect today!

Our perfect baby was a little stubborn when it came time to show us the genitalia however. After moving throughout the ultrasound, the baby had found a comfortable position with one leg pulled up and a foot blocking all views. Eventually, they were able to get a picture and we are having a.........just kidding, we don't know yet.

We will know tonight however. D has dinner reservations for tonight at a surprise location where we will open up the envelope with our big news. So, stay tuned tomorrow!

We're Pregnant!!!

2008-08-13T18:41:00.004-05:00

I've talked to some friends who weren't aware that I was pregnant so I decided to make it "blog" official. Recently, we walked into a friend's house and a young adult asked D if he could touch the baby. D, immediately took him up on the offer and extended his belly. He actually has quite a bit of abdominal strength and was able to push his belly out REALLY FAR! As he was standing there, a friend grabbed the camera and deemed it a photo op.

Our inspiration came from 2 friends who are both actually pregnant and due around the same time. They took a belly to belly picture and it only felt appropriate for us to as well. Sometimes, it just feels weird to hear people say that we're pregnant. I know we are "one" but all the pregnant is going on in MY BODY! Oh well, D has been great with trying to understand all that is going on for me by asking questions and reading what he can. He has been a great husband and a very excited dad to be.

My due date is January 27,2009 so I will be keeping you updated with photos as I grow!

Lessons from Preschool

2008-08-07T13:17:00.003-05:00

Apparently, if you put a little water or gel in your hair and comb part of it but leave part of it sticking up in any direction, you are SEXY.

Overhead in a 3 and 4 year old preschool class:
"Jackson, you look sexy today!" Jackson reached up and messed up his hair then shook his head at the mention of the word SEXY!

Wedding Album

2008-08-04T14:40:00.002-05:00

I have finished seeing my patients for the day. I have completed all the necessary paperwork and yet I have 2 hours and 20 minutes remaining in my work day. Ahh the benefits of being full time.

As I sit here, I look down at the bag containing 2 large proof albums from our wedding. Today, 2 1/2 years after our wedding day, we are meeting with the photographer to create our wedding album. Some of you may think I am a serious procrastinator, I invite you to look beyond what appears on the surface.

Our wedding day was a glorious day! My dreams were coming true, honestly it was beyond what I could even begin to dream. The setting was beautiful. A black and white wedding. Glamorous calla lilies, roses, and candles. Prince Charming standing by my side with his gentle eyes. Precious friends gathered around to love on me and rejoice with me. Family supporting this dream each through their own special ways. Our friend and pastor inviting us to DANCE. My Jesus holding me tightly, filling me with peace.

As I sort through the pictures, I am drawn to the eyes. Whose eyes? Mine primarily. I wonder if my eyes tell the story of that day. My story. My story involves both redemption and pain. I held both close that day and I was invited to open my hand and let go. Let go of evil that wanted to ruin that day. Let go of anger that wanted to steal my peace. Let go of disappointment that wanted to tell me that my dreams were stupid.

I was able to let go that day only to find out that for the next 2 years I would hold on. Hold on to the shame. Hold on to the disappointment. Hold on to the hope that felt lost. Hold on to the pain.
Today is a physical step that indicates the place where my heart is today. Putting this album together is something that I have not done because I wanted redemption to look the way I wanted it to.

My heart is not forgetting the pain but it is brushing off the shame. This album represents God's redemption in my life. I am truly looking forward to having a book of memories that I can smile and share for years to come. For me, the album will represent more than what you see with your eyes...so much more. I look forward to sharing my album with you in the future, possibly the next time you come to enjoy an evening in our home.

Perspecitve

2008-08-01T16:06:00.002-05:00

I found myself thinking today about something that seemed so clear to me. Many months ago, I found myself in my OB/GYN's office, trying to figure out what was "wrong" with my body. Through a series of tests (sounds simple, right?) it was determined that I was not ovulating and would therefore need help from someone/something beyond me. The journey through this time has been difficult and I have found that blogging about my feelings did not feel like the kindest thing to do to myself.

I have not been alone however and have an incredible husband and loving friends that have walked this road with me. Some of those conversations have produced tears while others involved bouts of serious laughter. Some of the laughter has come through recounting the trials of pregnancy tests, recording temperatures, ovulation predictor kits, and LH surge woes.

One of my coworkers is a friend of mine whom I have worked with for the last 5 years. I found it peculiar that I never knew she had artificial insemination (AI) until I started talking about my visits to the doctor. As she began to share her heart with me about how difficult getting pregnant was for her, we connected on a deeper level than we had before. She has one beautiful, almost 3 year old daughter that she and her husband treasure thanks to a donor. Her difficulty was compounded by the fact that both she and her husband have problems that lead to infertility.

This morning, we were seeing a patient together when she received a phone call she had to take. She stepped out into the hallway as she talked to her doctor's office. They are trying again to get pregnant and it seemed as if yesterday might have been the "optimal" day. She was calling to see if there was any possibility that today would still be okay. As she got off the phone, the tears poured down her cheeks. There was no way, it was too late, she missed this chance were the words she heard. Over the next few minutes she beat herself up, believing if she wasn't so stupid she would have realized that yesterday was the day.

As I sat there listening to her, my eyes began to fill with tears. No words that I shared with her in that moment could touch the pain and disappointment she was feeling. She looked at me and said, "I know God is in control, I just wanted to be able to do everything I could on this end to help!"

I sat there in the reality of what she said. I do that! I could see things from a different perspective sitting on this side of the fence. The reality is God does not need or want me to do everything I can to help Him. He doesn't need me to get everything in order so that he can come to me and say, "thanks...now I'll give you what you desire." What he desires is that I will ask of Him, BELIEVING, in faith!

Snapped

2008-07-28T14:54:00.001-05:00

According to Oxygen (http://www.oxygen.com/TvShows/SNP ) each year, approximately 16,000 people are murdered in the United States. 7% of the killers are female. Snapped is a show that profiles cases of women accused of these murders. In each of the stories, the woman is usually highly educated and for reasons which are initially unknown, they SNAP and kill their spouses/significant others. As the story unfolds, you find out what exactly was going on in the relationship that caused them to snap.

At this point, you are probably curious why I am bringing this up. A few weekends ago, while D and I were in Illinois for his high school reunion, we sat around watching multiple episodes of Snapped. This was the first time either one of us had watched the show. About the 3rd episode, I asked him if he was nervous or concerned...he was not. That was not the response our friend Mark had however when we forced him to watch an episode! He was pretty weirded out by the show.

D and I have found ourselves watching Snapped and American Justice quite frequently recently and I am starting to wonder if it might be a little too much. On Saturday night, we were on our way home from hanging out with friends. As we drove past the self serve car wash I saw one car being washed and I turned to D to ask, "Do you ever see someone at a car wash, late at night, and think that they are cleaning blood out of the car after murdering someone?" He quickly responded, "NO, I guess you do?"

I guess I have been watching too many murder stories!

Happy Birthday My Love

2008-07-15T07:52:00.002-05:00

Although this post reads July 15th, I am actually sitting down to write on July 16th. Yesterday morning, before running out the door, I titled my post and downloaded a picture of My Love! I had intentions of writing a post for D's birthday but I was never around a computer again yesterday after that point. That is beyond the point though so here we go!

Oh how I love that blue eyed, rock star in the picture with me! This year has been a little different for celebrating his birthday. Circumstances, life, time, and money have made this year different. As a result, I have spent the last 2 evenings after work with D just getting to talk, relax, and enjoy each others company.

This year, my husband is turning 38 and is anticipating being a father for the first time. By being a father for the first time, he will be able to hold in his arms for the first time someone with his own genetic make up. It is always around his birthday that I think about that day on July 15th, 1970 when his birth mom gave him up for adoption. Although we do not know her story and the circumstances surrounding her at that time, I still wonder...did she know?

Did she know:
Her son would be a passionate man, full of love and full of Christ.
He would dare to dream and risk humiliation of not having it all together when he pursues passions.
He would love his wife more than she could ever imagine being loved here on earth.
He would laugh, snort, and cry all at the same time because he is not afraid of showing emotions.
He would be a loyal friend, brother, and son who desires deep relationship.
He would be a gifted teacher.

There are many things that she may never know about her son but I thank God that I have the blessing of having him in my life!

Not quite the same thing!

2008-07-10T14:00:00.002-05:00

A conversation between my 3 year old male patient, his grandmother, and me:

Me: Okay, Nicky. Turn around and face me.
Nicky: Face you, what does that mean?
Grandmother: Put your behind over here.
Nicky: What is my behind?
Me: It's your bottom.
Nicky: Oh, my penis!
Me: Well, that is something different!

Grandmother and I almost died laughing but that just didn't seem appropriate at the time!

Running in Heaven

2008-07-07T14:40:00.002-05:00

A week ago today, D and I were driving to the airport from Springfield, Illinois to St. Louis, Missouri. We had spent a long weekend in Illinois for his 20 year reunion. We had a great weekend, D especially did which made it fun for me too! As we were leaving town, we were both a little nostalgic and teary. We can get that way sometimes.

About 45 minutes into our drive, I received a call from the office manager at work. Her message said that she had a simple question to ask about my PT license and that she had one other thing to tell me. I decided to call her back and at the end of the conversation, she informed me that one of my patients had passed away early in the morning. As the tears quickly fell from my eyes, I asked a few questions but found out that she really did not have much information.

I got off the phone and sat there in silence as I cried. After grieving for a while, I started to tell D all about my patient. He was a 7 year old boy who was born with a brain tumor. They were able to operate 5 days after his birth but the residual effects left him with a seizure disorder and severe disability. He couldn't talk or purposefully move his body at all. He had the most beautiful brown eyes but no one knows what he was actually able to see. Although he seemed disconnected most of the time, I loved the times when he would smile or make a slight noise when someone around him was getting in trouble.

After some more time in silence, I looked up at D to describe the picture in my head...He's running! God gave me a picture of him, up in heaven...he was running and playing with other children, something he was never able to experience on this earth. Although the pain is great for those who are left behind, I loved picturing this beautiful young boy running, jumping, skipping, and playing for the first time!

Responsibility

2008-06-17T12:58:00.002-05:00

I am not sure when I became responsible. I don't even remember what the journey towards responsibility looked liked. Do you like how I am not questioning that I am responsible?

I guess, if I think about it, I do remember parts of the responsibility journey. When I was 16, I had access to a family car but back in those days, cell phones were not a common commodity. My friend Lane did have one however that rivaled Zack Morris' large mobile phone from Saved By the Bell. All that to say, when I knew I wasn't going to make my curfew, I had to pull over on the side of the road and use a 25 cent pay phone to call home. This was a painful bump on my responsibility journey since I had to pull over to call every time I was out. At least I called though...after a few times of getting grounded for not calling!

I had a summer job by the time I was 16 in addition to the responsibilities of being the ever popular "skit-girl" with my best friend for V.B.S. (Vacation Bible School) each summer. I juggled my responsibilities quite well, and was usually always on time.

Today, I was part of someone else's journey towards responsibility and it did not go well for me! I have a 17 year old patient who is slowly gaining personal skills. She has never been very friendly and has had someone caring for her in special ways due to her needs since she was 4 years old. So fast forward to today and you have a teenager who is being given "opportunities" from her parents to be responsible.

I called before I drove 15 miles out to my patients house at 10am. I pay for my own gas with my current job. I pulled up to the house and her stepfather walked out.
Stepfather: Did she not call you?
Me: No, is she still asleep?
Stepfather: She spent the night with a friend, we told her to remember to call you.
Me: Great, no she never called. I called her before I headed out but her cell phone was off. I always like to check before I come because I pay for my own gas (had to throw that in there!)
Stepfather: Sorry, we are just trying to teach her to be responsible.
Me: Okay, well I will leave her a message on her cell phone to call me so we can schedule an appt for later this week. Thank you!

I am all about teaching responsibility but not when it affects me!

Uncomfortable

2008-06-12T13:46:00.002-05:00

I found myself in an uncomfortable position today and I am still exploring why I felt that way. I was seeing a patient of mine that I have seen for over a year. They live on the southside of town in a small house that was owned by previous family members and completely paid off now.

As the session was going on today, the mom sat in the family room with us and watched HGTV. She was telling me how much she loves the shows about houses and everything that she is able to learn. Her favorite show is House Hunters. Eventually she looked at me and said, "Bethany, when are you going to buy a home?" I told her that we had a few months ago and she was so excited! Her response was sweet but I was surprised with how excited she got. As she began asking me questions about the house, I found myself holding back on my answers. She got a little personal and asked if it was more than our "apartment" and I told her that it was about $100.00 more because of the generousity of my in-laws. While it is true, my in-laws were very generous in giving a down payment, our increase monthly is $200.00 but for some reason I felt like that would be too much to say. What did I think she would think about me if we paid more?

The entire hour involved her telling me of all the thrift stores on that side of town that I should stop by for curtains, candles, pictures, etc. As I sat there, I felt ambivalent. I have been around for long enough that I know that although they live modestly, they still feel the freedom to eat, drink, and play whenever and however they want.

When it comes down to it, I guess I felt shame that D and I both have educations, we both work hard, and we live on a budget. I don't want to feel shame about those things. I believe that God has provided for us in many ways that seem impossible at times and that He continues to provide for all of our needs. I think I want to trade in my shame for an awareness/thankfulness of what I have and a sensitivity to the needs of others.

What keeps me from writing?

2008-06-10T09:24:00.003-05:00

I have been pondering this question for a while now. Especially in the last few days. I heard the words leave my mouth when I was talking with our dear friends this weekend, "I want to read and I want to write, I just don't do it."

I am not talking about literacy here. The reading and writing I am talking about goes beyond simplicity. It is the type of reading that is thought provoking. The type of writing that is vulnerable. I find that this reading and writing longing is inside of me and yet I do nothing with it. Why?

Some of my reasons are practical.
-Time. I just don't have it. In the new house that D and I bought, we have a "sitting room". My intentions are to make this a special place that we will feel warmth, creativity, and intimacy as we sit and read/journal in this space. Currently, that room is the "catch-all" room with all of the junk that we haven't found a place for. Why haven't I done more yet? I am tired and feel like there is no time. Is there actually time? Yes, I just feel like I am entitled to sit on my butt at the end of a long day and veg out with D if we are actually at home in the evening. The truth is that I still need to find a good balance of resting and working!
-Responsibility. I have a hard time allowing myself to sit and read/write when I know there are things that I really need to take care of.

Although there are some legitimate practical reasons, there are many reasons that are not based on practicallity.
-Fear. When I write something down, that means it is real and that scares me.
-Insecurity. What I have to say is not important...when it comes to blogging I find myself thinking about how my story is not the same as everyone else's, my adventures are not like everyone else's, and I definitely don't express myself the same way everyone else does. As I write this, I see how I am unique which is what I long to be and yet at times I just want to be status quo.
-Vulnerability. How much do I really want you to know about me?

I guess I have to say that this is a start. I feel like I have been as vulnerable as I desire to be but I guess I wanted to let you know that I purpose to look at this question more. I want to look at what keeps me from doing what I actually desire to do.

What keeps you from doing what you desire to do?

Wednesday Lunch Box

2008-05-28T12:46:00.002-05:00

Currently, I am sitting at my desk procrastinating writing up an evaluation on a child that I evaluated...a week ago. Obviously, I am in no rush though seeing as I am writing a blog post.

Today is one of those days where my mind is everywhere but here. There is so much going on in life lately that leaves me in deep need of fellowship with God and friends. I am wedged in this place of absoulte need of God's peace and His arms of love. In the midst of times like this, I tend to sit and soak in what all is swimming around in my head. One of the best ways for me to get in touch with my emotions is through listening to music.

My choice today has a back story behind it: By this time on a Wednesday, I am usually found driving on 410 to Broadway to share lunch with Lib. Typically, I drop in to find her trunk open with groceries in the back of the car while she is standing inside the house, feeding Tessa some lunch. I grab the remaining groceries, walk inside, and sit as she prepares lunch for the "adults." This treat has been a refreshing middle of the day, middle of the week, pick me up! A time to reconnect, to share stories, to laugh, and to cry. Today though is the 2nd Wednesday that I haven't been able to share that time with Lib since she left for Salt Lake City a week and 1/2 ago. My substitute in her absence is a CD labeled Wednesday Lunch Box that I have playing in my car as I drive around from house to house...but it's not near the same.

Before it was ours...

2008-05-26T10:30:00.007-05:00

Since our house is not quite ready for picture-taking, I thought I would post some pictures of our house that we took on our inspection day. There is just one request...please don't tell me that you like their decorations more than mine when we finally post our pictures :)

This is the living room

Here is part of the kitchen with a view into the living room

This was their master bedroom and attached sitting room

Here is the entry way with the stairs leading up to the bedrooms

So, that's all we have for now. Stay tuned for updated pictures with our "stuff!"

Soon to come...

2008-05-17T09:20:00.004-05:00

If you have returned to my page a few times over by now, you may be tired of seeing me relaxing in Florida. Don't be jealous, I have not been there in about 3 weeks! Soon to come will be more recent posts, I just don't have it in me today to be creative. Looking forward to being back soon with a more recent status of my life! Until then, have a great weekend!

Sunny Florida

2008-04-22T21:38:00.005-05:00

D and I had a trip planned to Florida to visit my in-laws this week. It has been a great reprieve in the midst of packing and moving into our new house. I thought I would share a few pictures of what we have been doing...

This picture was taken after breakfast on Sunday morning before church

Here is the pool at my in-laws...located on the lanai. My white skin is loving the sun!

This is the "lake" that is located in their back-yard. This is the view from the pool and every room in house. Do you see the alligator on the opposite shore? D has loved watching his every move!

Sunset on the beach...what more can I say!

The Feauxhawk

2008-04-19T22:03:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday night, my husband and I were invited to a 60th birthday celebration for a dear friend of the family. The party theme was "Dreams" and part of the fun was to dress up as someone you always dreamed of being. I am all for dressing up, but this time coming up with a costume felt more difficult for me. The party was at San Antonio Country Club and I am used to being dressed up when going there. When I thought about what I dreamed of being when I was a child there were 3 things that came to mind:
1. Marine biologist- we had Sea World passes...but I couldn't imagine myself showing up in a wet suit!
2. Physical therapist...I dress like that daily, not original
3. Singer/actress/Broadway musician

As I was pulling it all together, I chose to dress as Lisa Loeb seeing as it would be the easiest 30 minutes before we needed to leave. D decided to go as a rock star with his electric guitar, Def Leppard shirt (from a concert we went to a few years back), and a feauxhawk. Here we are at the party:
A few days later, I was grabbing a quick lunch at home when D called to tell me he cut his hair. "Oh", I said. To which he proceeds to tell me that he got a feauxhawk. Wow! I asked if he had a few minutes to meet me at the house and he did. As he walked through the door I realized, he wasn't kidding.
Here he is...it's not too dramatic and I actually am really starting to like it! In person it makes for quite a hot look!

Strawberries anyone?

2008-04-14T22:09:00.002-05:00

I am a multi-tasker. On any given morning, you may find me getting ready for the day and running through the house to pick up things, transfer clothes, and just tidy up in general. This isn't because I am a neat freak. On the contrary, I have no time in general so I try to do little tasks any chance I get.

The other morning, I was eating my cereal and decided time was running out so I needed to get dressed at the same time. I set my bowl on the counter and began to put my shirt on. As I was placing my arm through the sleeve, I knocked over my bowl of cereal into the sink. Of course, it wasn't all neatly lying in the sink. There was milk surrounding the counter top and all the junk that was lying on top of it. I was in a hurry though so I did what seemed best at the time. No, I did not decide to pick it all up and eat it...I'm not that desperate. I just through it all back into the bowl and set it on the counter, then off to work I went.

Days later (I am ashamed to admit that) I decided to clean out the bowl and much to my horror this is what I found.

Yes, that is definitely mold on all of the strawberries! Maybe in the new house, I will turn over a new bowl...I mean leaf!

Fashion Fiesta...primarily purses!

2008-04-12T14:06:00.013-05:00

I had decided that I didn't have time to participate in Big Mama's Fashion Fiesta. I even convinced T that she should do it since I love her Spring clothes...and then Jenn convinced me that I should do it myself.

That felt a little daunting considering the fact that my husband and I are closing on our first house on Tuesday and we are in the midst of packing. Not to mention, I really haven't had time to go Spring shopping and money seems to be going to all of the luxuries that are considered "home-buying!" Needless to say, I was packing our bedroom today and pulled out a few things that I do enjoy as part of my wardrobe.

This is me, in our family room, with all of the boxes-TODAY! Any of you who are close to me or have lived with me prior to getting married know that this is what I tend to wear on a regular basis. Comfy and low-key! At work, I get a little more dressy (jeans and a t-shirt) but that is all that I can pull off since I work very closely with kids and all the messes that they create!
One thing I don't have a hard time buying is purses! Since I don't have any children of my own yet, function is not a prerequisite for the bags that I carry!

Those are just the "spring colored" purses...I might own a few more :) In addition to purses, jewelry and shoes are another favorite for me. Here are a few of my favorite pairs of earrings.
When I am not running around in work-out pants, t-shirts, and jeans, you might see me in something like this:
Or this:
And this:
My black dress was a purchase for a summer wedding last year that works for almost anything when I change out the jewelry and shoes!
Well, that's all I have for today! I would love to show you all the things that I hope to buy but honestly, that would take too much time away from my packing and that just won't work today!

Happy Fiesta and thanks to Big Mama, T, and Jenn for the inspiration!

Dinner for 2

2008-04-02T23:10:00.007-05:00

Just 2 years ago, some dear friends treated my husband and I to an incredible night to remember, a night at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. D and I had never been to Ruth's Chris prior to that night and little did we know that it would be the beginning of a special tradition including dinner for 2! We went to downtown San Antonio for our special evening that was filled with laughter, tears, questions, answers, wining, and dining that created precious memories for both of us.

The 2nd time that we ate at Ruth's Chris was in Maui during our honeymoon-oo la la!
For our 3rd visit, we went back to downtown San Antonio to celebrate D's birthday last summer.

The most recent visit was for our 2nd anniversary. The evening was spectacular and just what the doctor ordered for each of us! I guess we impressed the manager so much that night as well that we received complementary champagne in addition to the delicious food. Here is a taste of what we enjoyed!

The most deliciously, large scallops ever

Ahi tuna steak with crab

Asparagus with hollandaise sauce

Chocolate chip bread pudding

Here we have the elated couple! Happy 2 years!

24 months

2008-03-24T13:56:00.003-05:00

Here we are on March 24th, celebrating 24 months of marriage...and this is the picture I chose. If I am honest with myself, I feel inadequate to put into words a tribute to our anniversary today. I have been checked out of blogging this entire month and my first attempt back is on a very special day.

I know who my readers are. I know most if not all of you were at our wedding 2 years ago. I know that I could pick any number of pictures of my handsome husband and I from that day but today this was the picture that tugged at my heart.

Dreams Come True...or as my precious little friend says, "Dreams really do come true!" That ice sculpture is a picture of a dream coming true. I was one of those girls who never really dreamed much about my wedding day. I dreamed about what my hair would look like at my high school graduation, that seemed like it was something that was in my power to control. Getting married on the other hand did not. One dream I did have was that no matter what, I wanted an ice sculpture. My mom thought I was silly, what a waste of money...it will only melt. I quickly let her know that I would pay for it, it mattered that much to me! So, years later when the time came to plan a wedding, I set out to find the perfect picture to capture what I felt.

This weekend as I was cleaning, I came across my list. You know, the list that we are told to write with the qualities that we would like to see in a potential mate. I debated whether or not to even write one many years ago. It felt like a check list to me. What if he didn't meet all of the "qualifications". What if what I desire changes the older and wiser I get. Truth is, I wrote one anyway. My desires did change. In some places. At the core though, my husband met and exceeded all of my imaginable "qualifications" . I thought it might be interesting to review the list:
1. A Christian
2. God #1 in his life
3. Honest
4. A friend
5. A good sense of humor
6. Compassionate
7. Interacts well with others
8. Meets parents approval
9. Loving
10. Constantly growing in Christ
11. Communicative
12. Listener
13. Good family relationships
14. In love with me-pursues me
15. Enjoys kids, family man
16. A leader
17. Shows emotion

Here's the part where it feels difficult to find the words that would even begin to express what my heart feels for him. Fortunately I don't have to share all of that with my readers...I have to save my special words for him! So, know this, I am in awe of the ways that God has shaped us to be a perfect fit for each other. I look forward to many more years of experiencing life together!

Finally, the Results!

2008-03-05T12:31:00.002-06:00

Until then...how many times have you returned to my blog, hoping I would post the results? I'm sure we could process why it has taken me so long to post but we'll save that for another day or never ;)

Anyway, last Tuesday went very well. I am pleased with where I ended up even though I did not see all the changes that I wanted to.

Here are the categories:
Body weight, body fat %, BMI, Abs, Hips, and Thighs ALL DECREASED
Flexibility: Increased (3 1/2 inches of hamstring flexibility to be precise...I am very proud of this one!)
Strength: I did 27 push ups on the initial assessment and 45 on the final; 25 sit ups on the initial and 34 on the final.

So, there you have it! I decreased where I needed, gained strength and flexibility, gained motivation and confidence, and gained fun memories working out with my mom.

Over and Out!

Boot Camp Day 12

2008-02-25T12:11:00.002-06:00

Last Thursday was officially the end of the work-out sessions for boot camp. We are going in tomorrow morning to get the measurements, etc.

The last session, I was determined to finish strong! I actually had a continuing education course that was starting at 8:00am and since my work-out wasn't going to end till 7:30, I could only stay for 1/2. I pushed hard though and feel proud that I didn't miss a single day!

I found out yesterday that one group lost 55 pounds...crazy but they had someone who really needed to lose a lot and was on a strict plan by the MD that she followed very legally. Oh well, I am competive but not about winning overall. This was for me. I am glad to know that I can do this!

We'll see what tomorrow holds. Until then...

Boot Camp Day 11

2008-02-19T21:03:00.003-06:00

Did I mention in my last post that my knee was the size of a grapefruit? Well, it still is even after all my self directed PT skills have been applied! Oh well, boot camp must go on.

Today was a pyramid workout. No, we did not stack ourselves in a cheerleader formation in case you are wondering. Can you imagine? We had 10 exercises that we performed with 3 back to back sets for each. To pyramid up, you start with a comfortable weight x 15 reps, harder weight x 10 reps, and super hard weight x 6 reps then move to the next exercise. To pyramid down, we did the opposite.

My noodles, I mean my arms, were screaming at me by the end of the hour. Unlike last week, this was a complete upper body workout and I was dying by the end. Although I am ready to be finished with boot camp, I think I am going to miss parts of it:
1. Knowing that I have to get up and get there...no excuses
2. Fun, challenging, and energetic work outs with my mom
3. Having someone else to "gripe at" about exercises (D usually hears it all!)

I guess that's all I have at this point. Just one more session, then the final results....

Boot Camp Days 9 & 10

2008-02-15T09:03:00.002-06:00

Falling behind this week feels like the overall feeling. There has been a lot in life that has interfered with my writing this week, hence you are getting 9 & 10 together. Week 5 has been a "Buddy Work-out" week. Tuesday was an entire body workout and Thursday was completely a lower body workout. Do you remember my running last week? Well, I am paying this week. My left knee is the size of a large GRAPEFRUIT! So, you can imagine my excitement when we had an entire workout devoted to the legs!

I have to admit, I had a bad attitude both days this week. Tuesday, I was griping about every instruction that was wrong so Thursday, I decided to keep my mouth shut! Our group was also small this week with one person missing on Tuesday and 2 people missing on Thursday...but not me!

I am looking forward to being done next week with boot camp! I will continue to work-out in the mornings since I am already on a roll but I am definitely ready for a change. I'm not really sure what my results will be either. I know I have gained flexibility and strength but due to other "health" issues, the pounds are being resistant, which is frustrating with all the food/drink items I have given up during this challenge. Anyway, we'll see where we are in about a week and 1/2. In the meantime, have a great weekend. I will be spending my time at a wedding...the first one for 2008!

Boot Camp Day 8

2008-02-07T21:22:00.000-06:00

Today's session gave me a surge of energy. Sitting here at 9:21pm I realize my surge is long gone, my butt is sore, and my knees don't like me very much. This session made me feel like I was still in high school until tonight where I am well aware that I am 30!

We had 3 sets of 4 exercises that we did for 1 minute each, 2 times each. My favorites from this session were: running, mountain climbers, jump rope, step ups, and wide base squats.

Running: I rocked! Every since my knee surgery before my freshman year in high school, I have had a great deal of difficulty running. For some reason, I started running today and surprised myself. I had a great stride and was even able to sprint hard core in the last 10 seconds. The only scary part was that when I ran the first time, I went clockwise and thought that my knee was going to dislocate. The second time around I went counterclockwise which felt more stable!

Mountain climbers: Talk about butt kickers! I had to do this one after sprinting and I was almost convinced that I was going to be reacquainted with the snack that I ate before the session.

Jump Rope: I actually jumped with both feet at the same time at a fast pace. Did I mention that I won all the jump rope contests in elementary school!

Step Ups: Today, we stood with feet together then stepped up onto the stepper with feet apart as fast as we could...go cardio!

Wide Base Squats: Spread your legs as far as you can with your toes pointing forward, get as low as you can and HOLD for 1 minute!

Needless to say...although today was tough, I enjoyed pushing myself and felt like I was a competitor. The trainer actually told my husband later that she wanted to train me after the boot camp is over since she considers me a challenge and feels that I can do a lot...that felt nice :)

Boot Camp Day 7

2008-02-06T11:28:00.000-06:00

I have to admit, I am bored and not wanting to write about boot camp yet again today. (Please don't agree in comments if you are bored by my boot camp stories.) I feel too tired to come up with another interesting story or recap of my life right now so you are only going to get boot camp. Not to mention, it is the title of my post so I must not bend the rules and not post about what my title is...whatever!

Yesterday was the first day in the downhill slope to being done with boot camp. I enjoyed the session although I think it may have been the least challenging. We had 15 stations of weights/exercises that we did for 1 minute each, then repeated a 2nd time. The only interesting part was when my mom was trying to do the skydiver exercise and her form left me wondering if she was a bird, a plane, or superwoman!

Oh well, that is all my fun for today...hang in with me-things should get more interesting!

Boot Camp Day 6

2008-02-02T08:43:00.000-06:00

I am sure you were on pins and needles, wondering if I actually made it to day 6. I can proudly say that I did! Life has just been a little crazy making it difficult to sit down and write about lovely day 6!

Thursday morning, we were down to 3 on our team. It seems that our friend with vertigo was not doing so well since Tuesday so she was opting out on this session. So, my mom and her friend and I had to kick butt alone! Once again, I can credit my husband with this wonderful routine :)

The morning began with a phone call from my mom as I was walking out the door. "B, the gym is locked and really dark." My husband jumped out of bed grabbed his phone and called Heather (our trainer). Her phone went to voicemail and then she called right back. With sleep still in his voice I heard, "Where are you?" She was just getting out of bed-overslept the alarm! My husband, full of grace, (since this has happened to him before) threw on his hat and flip flops and rushed to open up the gym. After 20 minutes of cardio, Heather arrived and we began our session.

We had 6 exercises that we rotated through 6 times with 40 seconds on then a 20 second rest break. The six were: push-ups, sit-ups, shadowboxing with weights, squats, dead lifts right and left. Dead lifts are when you stand on one leg then reach down with the opposite arm to touch your toes (major hamstring killer and balance challenge!)

Fortunately today, we were out of extra time for additional ab work :)

Boot Camp Day 5

2008-01-29T14:45:00.000-06:00

Today was the start of week 3 which is also known as "You'll be on your knees in week 3". As I was getting ready for bed last night, I asked my husband about the training session for this morning. He shared with me that today was about bodyweight based conditioning and that he had actually come up with the routine for this morning. Great...I share a bed with the man that made this killer routine-don't you feel sorry for me?!

Today we began with and active stretching/flexibilty routine then moved on to the exercise circuit: squats (on balance discs), abdominal plank (my favorite), push-ups, medicine ball slam (this is where you get to take out all of your aggresion on a ball!) We did each activity for 1 minute, then 45 seconds, then 30 seconds, then 15 seconds. We finished wtih 15 minutes of KILLER ABS!

The set in itself was challenging but good however, my trainer decided that she needed to assist me on the push-ups during the 45 second set to increase my speed. How did she do this? She placed her hand on my back and pushed me down over and over. I yelled at her to STOP and she didn't so I threatened to hit her and she backed off. She thought it was funny and I was joking slightly with her but I was also serious about backing off!

Paybacks for her weren't in her favor today however...when she was demonstrating the medicine ball slam, she chose a 4# ball and slammed it with all her might. It quickly bounced right back up and hit her in the jaw-OUCH!

Areas feeling the pain today: my armpits, inner thighs and ABS of course!

Not a drop!

2008-01-28T22:29:00.000-06:00

Friday night I went to a party with my mom at her friend's house. For the party, everyone brought one bottle of wine and one wine glass. The wine glass was wrapped "white elephant" style and the bottle was open with a number placed on the neck. The theme for this particular party was "pretty" so the wine bottle purchased had to be a pretty label. Each of the 25 women judged and prizes were given for the winners. The 2nd part of the party was the gift exchange with the wine glasses and let me tell you 25 women fighting over glasses can be quite entertaining.

Anyway, all this to say...I did not have even one drop! My promise to myself through this boot camp is to refrain and I can proudly say I did even in the midst of all those bottles!

Boot Camp Day 4

2008-01-25T23:45:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was 1/3 of the way through this boot camp! That feels good...my legs on the other hand don't. This session was supposed to be a kick boxing session. It was quite an eclectic class however. I think that the kick boxing took 15 minutes max, so what did the rest of the time get filled with? I am so glad you asked!

We had:
1. 20 minutes of step aerobics= a lot of fun for an uncoordinated-bad-knee-girl
2. 10 minutes of ABS= didn't we do enough on Tuesday?
3. Various weight lifting: triceps, back, chest= much easier for me than cardio
4. Stretching=wrote my thesis on it but not a good role model

All in all, I worked my butt off...again! I have decided that the cardio intervals with continuous yet different exercises is really good for me but makes my body drip with sweat and face turn a different shade all together.

In case you weren't sure if I am sore, imagine this. As my husband D
posted, we went to the Van Halen concert last night and walked up 2 stalled escalators and rows of stairs to our seats 10 rows from the top of the AT&T Center and my calves are screaming at me today. I think the combo of step aerobics and the concert might have done me in for the next few days!

Boot Camp Day 3

2008-01-23T20:45:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the 3rd training session of my boot camp. Between working all day yesterday and relaxing with family while watching American Idol, House, and Law & Order, I couldn't bring myself to write at the end of the day thus the tardiness in my post!

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the couch, watching recorded TV shows while D plays the electric guitar (unplugged) next to me. Currently, nothing on my body feels as sore as I did last week! I looked pretty interesting on Friday as I played with my patients. Since I work in pediatrics, I am on the floor for each session. I wish I had a picture of what I looked like getting up from the floor to leave, but your imagination will have to work for you here.

During the session yesterday, I decided I hate 3 things: triceps dips on a bench, Billy Blanks, and prone iso abs. If you have any idea what the 3 exercises I am describing are, you deserve a prize. I never remember exercises by their names although most trainers think you should know exactly what they are talking about every time! The fact that I hate them so much is most likely indicating that they are the exercises I need the most.

We had 15 different stations where we did each exercise for 1 minute then moved to the next. We went through the stations 2 times in the hour long session. It was a total body workout and definitely not as challenging as the combination of cardio and weights like last week. The part that just about killed me were the triceps dips and 2 ab exercises. Let me describe the ab exercises...
-Billy Blanks: You lay on the mat on your back and perform the bicycle motion with your legs. Each time your right leg comes up, you move your left arm towards the knee with the pattern of 1, 2, hold, then repeat for 1 MINUTE!
-Prone Iso Abs: You get on the mat face down and lift your body up in the plank position while your elbows and toes are the only thing touching the mat and you HOLD for 1 MINUTE while someone yells at you to get your butt down.

Sounds fun right! Tune in tomorrow for highlights on my kick boxing session.

Boot Camp Day 2

2008-01-17T18:58:00.000-06:00

I didn't spring about of bed this morning, that's for sure. 6:00am came a lot sooner than I thought even though I went to bed at a descent time last night in anticipation of my morning workout.

I have been averaging work outs 3x a week since Thanksgiving but I found out the hard way this morning that I have not been working as hard as I thought I had. Today's work out kicked my BUTT! I actually enjoyed the challenge but was surprised at the amount of sweat on my body and redness on my face.

Today was all about interval training with cardio then weights back and forth. We worked every possible muscle group in the 75 minutes...15 minutes longer than expected thanks to one of the team members. It turns out that there is one lady who needed a group so either the 3 of us joined her or she joined us. Needless to say, my mom wanted to kill my husband at one point today for not preparing us what our hour with her would look like. Apparently, she has vertigo and has a reason why she cannot do every exercise which makes the trainer take a few extra minutes to modify the exercise for her or babysit her through each one. I may sound a little harsh but keep in mind, I was getting my butt kicked and it was 6:30AM! The funny thing is that my husband is not even our trainer but since he is the supervisor my mom was jokingly blaming him.

Halfway through the workout I noticed that I was nauseous and there was nothing I could do. I should have had a piece of fruit before I headed out this morning but I ran out of time while running through the house to find my keys...in the dark! I finished strong though and all day long I have felt great. Don't get me wrong, I am already feeling the effects of what we did today in the form of slight soreness. As we left the gym the trainer yelled, "No alcohol for the next 2 days...it will kill your recovery!" Lucky for her, I was already planning to lay off the alcohol otherwise I might have bit back!

Boot Camp

2008-01-15T20:58:00.000-06:00

Are you ready? I said ARE YOU READY??

This morning I dragged my butt out of bed and to the gym where D works at 6:30 am. As I arrived, I received a binder for the the fitness challenge with the information about what to expect:
"Our boot camp fitness challenge is designed to push participants to achieve their individual fitness goals through a rigorous group training environment. The boot camp will include 12 group training sessions that will focus on improving both cardiovascular and muscular strength and endurance. Each training session will last one hour and we will provide 6 weeks of continuous motivation with a different training focus each week. Participants will be challenged physically and mentally...together we will conquer this boot camp!"

I signed up for this? Yes I did...and I am in a group with my mom and 2 other women that will be meeting Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:30 for 6 weeks! Today, as snot rolled down my face, initial measurements were taken: height, weight, body fat percentage, push ups in 1 minute, sit ups in 1 minute, and distance covered in 20 minutes on the treadmill.

I made it through day 1...we'll see how day 2 goes on Thursday!

I've got the power

2008-01-10T21:37:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling like I have been getting a cold all day. It could be wonderful Texas allergies but only time will tell. After work was over, I ran home and picked up D so that we could meet my mom and brother for dinner. On the way to the restaurant I noticed that the one of the lights by the rear view mirror was out. (I was trying to touch up my smudged makeup so I pushed to turn it on-with no luck.) After dinner, D was driving and I let out the loudest sneeze I have ever heard. I was being a little dramatic but even I was shocked. After I opened up my eyes, I noticed that there was a light on in the car. Apparently I had sneezed so hard that the light turned back on...talk about POWER!

Not quite dinner and a movie

2008-01-09T22:49:00.001-06:00

D and I had a date night tonight. We planned on grabbing dinner and then going to see P.S. I Love You. This morning when we were talking about our plans, we decided that we were so excited about the evening that we were even willing to see a 9 something movie...I know, we live on the edge! When I called to check the movie times, we had a 7:15 option or a 10:15 option. You are probably wondering what the problem is, right? Well, D was getting off work at 6:30 and I was going to finish with my last patient at 7:00pm. We had to decide what seemed more important, food or movie. We decided on both, although we were a little unconventional! On our way to the 7:15 show, we ran into a local health food store and grabbed some nutritional bars, water, and a hunk of Muenster cheese. We jammed it all in my purse and we were good to go (if you overlook the stressful moments leading up to this moment). We are trying to eat healthier and the amount of money we would spend to consume mass amounts of fat at the snack bar just didn't seem like a good option, thus our choices. As we sat there, with a few minutes to spare before the movie began, I had to laugh at our dinner with a movie! Although not what we planned, I am happy to say that all the tension of the day melted away while we watched the first few minutes of the movie, grateful for the life that we share with one another.

I know you'll be trying this the next time you go to the movies!

Sushi

2008-01-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

My husband and I love sushi! It has only been within the last 5 years that I have even been willing to give sushi a chance. We usually have sushi weekly and more often if I've worked extra hours at the hospital. Over the last 6 months since we have been trying to get pregnant, we have sushi each time that the pregnancy test is negative. Although I am hoping to be pregnant, there is this small glimmer of joy in the ability to eat raw fish for at least another month. This past weekend, a friend of ours had us over to her mother's house for a sushi making party. Way too much was consumed but we had a blast nonetheless!

Ding How

2008-01-05T11:59:00.000-06:00

One day this week, I was sitting in the office after calling to confirm an appointment. I was still sitting in the office...because they canceled. After all, it was 11:30 am and they had just woken up when I called and it was could outside and yada yada yada!
As I was sitting there thinking about what I was going to grab for lunch, my brother called. He now lives and works in San Antonio and spends a lot of his time in and around the Medical Center. He was calling to see what I was doing for lunch. Since I clearly didn't have plans we decided to grab lunch together. So, he drove to my office and picked me up and we headed to Ding How.

If you've never visited the northwest side of San Antonio, then you've been missing out on a great Chinese Restaurant tradition. This restaurant which is located on stilts, was just down the street from our childhood home. My brother and I used to love any opportunity we had to eat here, we loved any opportunity to eat out (as children, it feels so glamorous!) and this restaurant was so unusual. Anyway, my brother thought it would be a fun time for old times sake to grab lunch at Ding How, and I agreed.

Walking through the mismatched doors, we had to laugh. As we walked up the incline of the red carpet into the restaurant lobby, all the senses were heightened as we remembered the meals spent here as children. We waited 5 seconds to be seated and we were immediately greeted by Kimmy and her pitcher of tea.
Kimmy: "Tea okay for you today?"
Bri: "Sure"
Me: "Actually, can I have water?" (to which Kimmy responds with a huff!)

1 minute later after noticing 4 specials on the lunch menu for the day...
Kimmy: "Ready"
Bri: "I'd like lemon chicken with sauce on the side and an eggroll"
Me: "Can I substitute broccoli for the rice?"
Kimmy:"No!"
Me: "Ok, I'll have lemon chicken with sauce on the side and white rice"
Kimmy: "Steamed rice?"
Me: "Oh yes!"
Kimmy: "You want egg roll too?"
Me: "Yes please!" (Kimmy leaves with another huff!)

2 minutes later...lunch on the table. Apparently Ding How has turned into a high class fast food restaurant with NO substitutions. Kimmy may have been irritated with me initially but by the end she said, "You want more water, sweetie?" I won her over!

Although the service left you feeling a little rushed, my brother and I felt comfortable taking our time and enjoying each other's company. When the meal was over, we walked to the front to pay and my brother treated me for lunch.

After I got back to the office, I sat there realizing how much I had enjoyed that time with my brother. It was simple, it was fast, but it was special. My brother and I were very close to each other growing up. He is only 3 years younger than me and we lived at home together until I was 21 and left for physical therapy school. After that year, we lived at home for short times at the same time but it was few and far between. We remained close although life, distance, and marriage changed the way we interacted with each other. I don't know when the last time was that the 2 of us had time together to just grab a meal together.

Today was special and I enjoyed my brother's initiative to pick me up so that we could have a fun time walking down memory lane!

Uncontrolled Urge

2008-01-02T21:22:00.000-06:00

Apparently I've had this desire since the new year to break the law. An uncontrolled urge so to speak. Yesterday, my husband and I went to the movie theater in the afternoon and watched a movie that was his choice. He usually gives in to my choices and I felt that this time we could see what he wanted. While sitting in the theater, I expressed to him my desire to "sneak" into another movie when the one we were watching ended. I had to laugh at myself as I said, "way to start off the new year!" I resisted this desire and we only watched one movie-controlled urge.

Then after work today, I was visiting the bank again. Fortunately, I was not as uncoordinated as I was on my last visit to the bank! When I was leaving, there was a sign forbidding u-turns. For some reason, I had this uncontrolled urge to break the law. That's right, I did a u-turn. As I sat there in my car, I pondered the thoughts swirling in my head: "the car in front of me did it", "that sign is only for the cars that don't have the turning radius to make it", "good thing I didn't get caught especially since I had to pay for a new tire today...a ticket would be too expensive" and on and on! What's wrong with me?

A girl could get used to this!

2007-12-27T17:15:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago, I scared my boss when I discussed the fact that I was not happy at work and that I wanted to do contract work for her. Contract= no benefits, but increased pay and the ability to see the amount of patients that I want and have time off when I want...to put is simply.
Anyway, she was not okay with my idea and I am still seriously considering what I really want to do. In the meantime, she decided that my Christmas bonus would be "contract" in nature. Wednesday through Friday of this week, I have to work when I have patients scheduled and the extra time, I am off!

I have enjoyed this luxury tremendously as I have been able to watch movies, lay on the couch, nap, spend time with my husband, work out, relax with friends, and continue my Christmas break. In fact, I like it so much that I think I could get used to this on a regular basis. Maybe my boss' attempt to give me some freedom gave me a taste of something that I really don't want to give up! I guess only time will tell.

Why is it?

2007-12-23T01:25:00.000-06:00

Why is it that in the journey of wrapping up my Christmas shopping today I started and ended with the same store? When I walked back in the 2nd time, the loud owner standing 10 feet away said, "wasn't that woman in here earlier?" To which I smiled and exclaimed, "Yes I was!" Then she went on and on acting very surprised that I could hear her! Are you really not aware how loud you are and how small your store is?

Why is it that my husband and I were blockaded from walking down the aisles of the grocery store this afternoon requiring us to initiate team work and running interference for each other just to buy a few items? Why is it that we forgot to use the gift card when we checked out?

Why is it that the 2nd store I walked into had a line that wrapped 500 feet into the store and the items that I needed from there could not be passed up?

Why is it that both my husband and my frustration grew throughout the day as we interacted with the "holiday crowd" in San Antonio, Texas?

Why is it that when we were able to sit down and relax, we found ourselves at the symphony, listening to Christ-centered music that moved us to tears?

Could it be that we were needing to be reminded of our Savior's birth and life in the midst of the chaos that man can create...I think so!

Unbelievable

2007-12-20T20:09:00.000-06:00

I saw somewhat of an unbelievable act today. Not unbelievable as in the type of miracle you want to experience but unbelievable in the "Oh my gosh...did I just see that?"

I was dumb enough to drive down a busy street today to grab a quick lunch. A street with 4 lanes of traffic filled with cars driving to their favorite destinations: high school, stores in multiple shopping centers, and a variety of restaurants. As I was sitting at the light, feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of the day, I saw this unbelievable act!

A disabled man was driving his mechanical wheelchair through all the cars, riding along the double yellow lines between the north and southbound traffic. As if this wasn't an attempt to get squashed, he had poor coordination causing him to weave back and forth on the lines. He was hunched over so much that it was difficult for him to even lift his head to see what was ahead of him. I watched him run into the truck facing me and when he got out of hitting range, he lifted up his hand and shot the "backwards" finger. I began to chuckle until he headed my direction. He clipped the front side of my car and when he got to my window, shot me the sideways bird.

I don't know how many others he hit...when I looked in the rear view mirror, he was no where
to be found!

(This was an actual glove we found in a parking lot on our trip to Virginia...felt appropriate for this post!)